Kung Fu Panda 3 is nearly unbearable

Strong worldwide box office receipts from the first two installments of the Kung Fu Panda franchise undoubtedly prompted DreamWorks executives to kick around the idea of a third film. But moviegoers wanting substantive entertainment will likely be disappointed: The action-packed but twaddling Kung Fu Panda 3 will dazzle eyes but turn brains into dumplings.

Master Shifu (voiced by Dustin Hoffman) retires and assigns Po (Jack Black) the role of the Furious Five’s teacher. The lovably self-effacing panda doesn’t think he has what it takes, but Shifu encourages him with the first of the film’s many tautological “messages from the universe”—“If you only do what you can do, you’ll never be more than you are.”

Po must do something quickly because General Kai (J. K. Simmons) has escaped the spirit realm after 500 years’ imprisonment. In a nod to Terminator, the giant bull arrives in the “regular realm,” as Po calls it, crouching in an energy bubble. Kai defeats the Furious Five, stealing their chi and turning them into jade zombies that attack the Valley of Peace. Then Kai comes for Po’s chi, too.

Po realizes he can’t fight Kai alone—it’s going to take a panda village. Po must conquer his feelings of inadequacy as a leader and train his out-of-shape friends. To defend their home against Kai and his “jombies,” Po encourages the pandas to use their natural talents. One twirls long sheets of ribbon; another delivers bone-crunching bear hugs. But the film’s pervasive yin-yang nonsense swallows up this worthy message. Ultimately, it’s Po who must stop Kai, but only if he can “truly master [his] own chi”—whatever that means.

Kung Fu Panda 3 (rated PG for martial-arts action and some mild rude humor) does hit on a few meaningful insights. Grand Master Oogway notes the more you take, the less you have. Still, occasional cutesy one-liners notwithstanding, rapid-fire but meaningless chitchat drives the film into the valley of tedium. Kung Fu Panda 3 doesn’t offer anything beyond the usual Hollywood-approved moralism: “Be the panda you were always meant to be.”

Despite impressive CGI craftsmanship and expensive voice talents (including Angelina Jolie, Bryan Cranston, Lucy Liu, and Jackie Chan), Kung Fu Panda 3 might satisfy hardcore franchise fans only. If the opening night crowd I shared the theater with did enjoy the movie, they kept it to themselves.

Moviegoers considering a ticket purchase might want to heed this “message from the universe” (well, from WORLD): Wait for the video.