Keeping the good in goodbye

One of the questions I get asked regularly as a pastor is, “What is the hardest part about ministry?” Early in my ministry, my answer would have been the weight of the responsibility of preaching, or the difficulty of helping people navigate sudden and tragic loss. But as the years have passed, my answer has changed. The hardest thing for me now is when members “ghost” our church. When people who you have poured your life into for years seem to disappear without a trace.

Let me stack all the caveats and disclaimers right up front. There are certainly reasons someone would need to leave a church with minimal contact. If your personal safety is at risk, if emotional or spiritual abuse from leadership has transpired, or if there has been a cover-up of serious sin within the church—these are just a few of the myriads of reasons why a quiet departure may be warranted. But that’s not what I’m going to be referring to here. I’m talking about good people leaving a good church that has a good pastor without so much as a goodbye.

A family left our church a few weeks ago … and it was great. Not because they were troublemakers, not because they were causing dissension, and not because they were a pain. They were none of those things. They were faithful, supportive, involved servants who were a continual source of blessing to our church. It was great, because they said goodbye.

It wasn’t a grand ordeal that culminated in a dramatic exit. It was a simple phone call. As we spoke that day it was obvious that they had been praying and that the Lord was clearly moving them to a new place. And I never want to stand in the way of the work the Lord is doing. I think every born-again believer should be a member of a solid, local church, and if that’s the kind of church the Lord is leading them to, who am I to stand in their way?

Sadly, having a member say goodbye is too often a rare occurrence. I think many times it is unintentional. They may think that no one is going to notice they’re gone. Maybe the excitement about the new place God is moving them to creates a bit of tunnel vision that’s locked in on the road ahead but fails to remember what is being left behind. Sometimes they just want to avoid what will understandably be awkward. But when God knits believers together in a local body, He intends those relationships to be marked by covenant love, not consumer preference (John 13:34–35). Leaving, therefore, is never a trivial logistics decision. Leaving is a spiritual act that can either showcase or obscure the gospel.

God designs the church as an interdependent body (1 Corinthians 12:12-26). When a ligament is abruptly severed, the whole body limps. Friendships suddenly erase, ministries scramble to fill gaps, and new believers can question whether commitment to the body is safe. Conversely, a well-handled departure reassures the flock that relationships are deeper than one address.

How you close a chapter becomes part of the story you tell in the next. Suppose you depart with unspoken grievances. Conversation in the new church may drift toward what “went wrong back there,” and the temptation to shade details in your favor will be strong. That pattern erodes credibility. By contrast, if you can honestly say, “We left with our leaders’ blessing and remain grateful,” your words will ring with integrity and invite trust.

Leaving well is essentially a rehearsal of the gospel. Jesus entered our lives, served sacrificially, spoke truth in love, and departed to prepare a future for us, yet He remains committed to our good. When believers imitate that pattern, even in farewells, the world receives a living parable of steadfast love. If the Lord ever calls you elsewhere, let the manner of your leaving adorn the doctrine you have received. Depart with the blessing of your shepherds, the respect of your peers, and the commendation of a clear conscience. Such exits do not weaken a church. That kind of exit proves the resilience of Christ’s body and leaves behind the fragrance of grace.

One day God may open the door for you to leave. Go in the grace and peace of our Lord. But if you’re able, don’t forget to shut the door behind you on your way out. Don’t underestimate the good your proper goodbye can do.