Hot Pursuit

From its opening scene, Hot Pursuit is so slow-moving (“How slow is it?!”) Al Cowlings could have outrun it in his white Ford Bronco. Even so, the well-cast doll and drawl tandem, Sofía Vergara and Reese Witherspoon, can’t elude the lumbering script.

Deputy Cooper (Witherspoon) is a diminutive, by-the-book police officer assigned to protect Mrs. Riva (Vergara), the tall, voluptuous widow of a drug dealer knocked off by thugs for turning state’s evidence. Dirty cops and gangland assassins chase the pair across Texas.

The concept holds comedic promise, as there are trials only female fugitives could face. Mrs. Riva, to Deputy Cooper’s chagrin, drags her trunk full of jewel-encrusted high heels into each misadventure. The skimpily garbed “Miss Plantain 2004” is equally frustrated in her attempts to transform the frumpy deputy into, well, her bosom buddy.

No one expects Vergara and Witherspoon to rival 48 Hrs. cop-con super odd couple Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy. Still, Vergara and Witherspoon sometimes appear uncomfortable sharing the frame when the other is delivering her lines. And a number of scenes linger just a moment longer than the actresses seem to expect them to.

Most of the blame for the film’s sluggishness, however, must fall to the quills of David Feeney and John Quaintance, whose prior writing credits lie almost entirely in television flops like According to Jim. Witherspoon commendably maintains the rapid-fire chatter of an obsessive personality double-checking her every move, but she can shoot only the blanks the writers have armed her with.

Hot Pursuit (rated PG-13 for sexual content, violence, language, and some drug material) has its funny moments, but the film misses opportunities for humor that a good writing team would not. For example, the petite blonde cop and leggy, Versace-clad Latina slip into a bikers’ bar but engage in no awkward interactions with the ruffians inside.

The film’s greatest crime may be its failure to reward moviegoers who are hoping for at least one cheap shot at Thelma and Louise.