Is Gen Z in a dating recession?

Graduate student Wish Shao, 22, went to a mixer for Christian grad students two weeks ago but said the event left her feeling discouraged. The young women appeared approachable and interested in socializing. But the men, she said, stood by, waiting to be approached.

“As a Christian, I would like to find a leader for my house, so of course, I like the guys who approach me,” she told me. “I feel like I’m in a dilemma.”

Shao is single and hasn’t dated since a long-distance relationship ended in October after a year of dating. But she said everyone her age seems too busy and that men won’t ask women out. She’s not sure when her next date will be.

Shao is not the only young adult struggling with the dating scene. The Institute for Family Studies released survey results last month that show 74% of single U.S. women and 64% of single men in their 20s and early 30s have either never gone on a date before or have only dated a few times in the last year. I spoke with nearly a dozen young adults, many of whom pointed to financial concerns and frustration with dating apps but also said they struggled to navigate the conflict or interpersonal differences of romantic relationships.

Although fewer Americans are marrying than in past generations, the divorce rate is down, according to 2022 U.S. Census Bureau data. Institute researchers called that a good sign for married couples but also worried about the low dating and marriage rates among young adults. “It is hard to celebrate stronger marriages when fewer and fewer young people are entering them,” the report says.

The nationwide survey of 5,275 unmarried young adults ages 22-35 found that 86% of respondents said they either hope to marry someday or aren’t sure. But barely half—51%—were interested in a serious relationship.

Lisa Anderson, director of young adults at Focus on the Family, said she’s noticed young adults today crave deep relationships but ironically don’t prioritize romantic engagement.

“They’re overeducated … underemployed, sometimes directionless. They’re busy. They’re scattered,” Anderson said. “On top of that, you’ve got to determine what your calling, your purpose, and your passion is. So if you’re going to throw marriage and dating into that mix, you’re going to have to just find a time slot for it.”

As the age of marriage creeps higher, young adults feel less pressure to find a mate in their 20s, Anderson added. According to Census Bureau data, American women are 28 years old on average and men are 30 years old at the time of their first marriage.

According to the Institute for Family Studies survey, Gen Z adults most often cited having too little money as a reason why they aren’t dating. Nearly half mentioned a lack of confidence in their own dating skills and bad dating experiences.

Most of the young adults I spoke to agreed all these were concerns, but they also expressed other frustrations, including dating fatigue and a desire to keep romantic relationships undefined. Gen Z even has a slang term for this—the “situationship.”

Josiah Dolan, a 22-year-old college student in Colorado Springs, Colo., said he’s not dating but not exactly single. He’s friends with a female classmate, but since they’re not sure where they will be after graduation, they’ve decided to not call each other boyfriend and girlfriend.

“We both know that we like each other,” he said. “But because we’re both on our last semesters of college, we decided it would be better if we just waited and didn’t label it, didn’t get too serious and just kind of coasted by for the rest of the semester.”

Nearly every young adult I spoke with blamed online dating apps for dating woes. Many told me these platforms offered a dizzying array of romantic partners, but also left them frustrated when they couldn’t find meaningful connections—or dates.

“It’s a lot of … messaging back and forth, and not a lot of wanting to meet up in person,” said Kirsten Anderson, a 36-year-old MRI technician in the Denver area. Anderson (niece of Lisa) said she still has Hinge, a popular dating app, on her phone and has gone on a few dates using the app. But she had to take time off from dating after a relationship failed.

“It was someone that I was serious with and that I thought I was going to marry,” she said. “So I took a year just to kind of focus on myself and be very intentional with my next relationship.”

Dating apps are now the most popular way to meet romantic partners. A 2019 Stanford study pointed to data showing as many as 39% of Americans reported meeting their partner online. But as more binged on Hinge and lingered on Tinder, young adults told me they were burnt out and craved more meaningful ways to connect.

Ashleigh Bishop, marketing specialist for the Online Dating and Discovery Association, said dating app usage has declined slightly. A new report by the British financial services company Barclays found that 56% of Gen Z dating app users in the U.K. would rather meet people in person than date online because they aren’t sure if they are talking to a real person.

Bishop says the dating apps are making changes, including possibly adding an “AI wingman” to help steer online conversations.

“Gen Z [is] already using AI more than any other generation,” she said. “If it can help them in this as well, I think we could really see that being something that starts to support them in the confidence side, and the motivation to connect.”

Marco Gonzalez, 25, an engineer in Milwaukee, is currently dating a woman he met through Hinge, but he said he endured several bad experiences before getting the hang of online dating. He’s hesitant about AI companies intruding. “If you went on a date with somebody, on the date … you’re not going to whip out your phone and be like, ‘Hey, wingman, what do I say next?’” he said.

Gonzalez said some of his friends don’t know how to navigate relationship problems. Some would rather end a relationship and take a break from dating altogether than try to make things work, he said.

“They’ll back off, give themselves some time, and then jump back in later. I think they’re kind of anti-conflict,” said Gonzalez.

According to the Institute for Family Studies study, both men and women admitted they lacked good dating skills, like the ability to weather the ups and downs of relationships—something the researchers termed “dating resilience.” Forty-five percent of respondents said breakups have made them more reluctant to date again.

The study authors made multiple recommendations, including the creation of “dating boot camps” to give young adults better dating skills, and reminding young adults that the skills learned in dating will help them in marriage.

The young adults all said these ideas resonated with them.

Sean Johnson, a 23-year-old in Washington state, is currently in a relationship but said taking risks and getting rejected earlier helped him mature and gain perspective.

“My world kind of collapsed for a couple days. Then I kind of got a grip on myself,” Johnson said. “It is much better to have tried and found out that that possibility is not open than to be so scared that you don’t even allow yourself to be fully human, fully open to other people.”