When wounds layer

A very wise man told me recently that at some point in life most people experience pain inflicted by others. Some experience being hurt deeply multiple times. My sage friend cautioned me against the idea that forgiving those who hurt me makes the pain disappear. It's quite the opposite, he says. Past wounds hurt us. They affect us deeply. Over time we get better at handling pain, but it is rare that offenses that hurt us are simply forgotten. To make matters worse, new offenses at the hands of others stack on top of past hurts. The layering of wounds can lead to hypersensitivity or callousness. Time does not heal all wounds. Not even "the Gospel" makes the pain disappear. The presence of the Trinity, however, is actively at work to give a proper framework for living with pain caused by others.

The wounds we receive eventually develop scabs in most cases. These scabs, however, are so fragile that additional experiences of pain can set us off when they irritate past hurtful experiences. We can respond irrationally and often fail to connect the dots between our reactions and our past. Because this wound layering happens to all of us, if we're honest, it gives us permission to see people who hurt us in a new light. Perhaps the person who hurt you acted out in sinful response to past pain. This is not an excuse but it may help render the offending person not to be as gutless as imagined.

"I'm not your mother so don't direct your anger at me," calmly says Sarah, Brent's wife. Sarah and Brent were in the middle of an argument about something relatively minor. Brent, becoming increasingly angry and irrational, began to yell at his wife. Knowing that her husband was raised in a home with an emotionally abusive mother, she looked at him and reminded him that his overreaction was tied to his unresolved anger toward a mother who hurt him repeatedly. He was yelling at his mother by yelling at Sarah. Sarah did not get angry. This is an amazing woman. She saw her husband in light of his layered wounds. In submission to his wife he confessed to her accuracy, apologized, and repented.

This wise friend helped me see that the severity of my reactions to new hurts inflicted by others are related to old ones, just like Brent's initial reaction to his wife. My problem is that I often pursue a sinful response rather than a response that drives me to God. David, for example, was a man wounded and betrayed many times over. In Psalm 69:29, David simply prays, "I am in pain and distress; may your salvation, O God, protect." David's words encourage us to place our wounds in His hands. God's sovereignty over life's issues brings freedom.