When personality quirks become sinful

I have noticed that in relationships there tends to be an alpha person and a beta person. The negative side of the stereotypical alpha person is a tendency to bossiness, to criticalness, to arrogance, to hot-temperedness, and to super-confidence. The beta person is more apt to please, to go along, and to defer to the alpha.

Very soon in the relationship between an alpha person and a beta person there is an established understanding and acceptance of the way things are. Without any formal set of rules being spelled out, it is tacitly understood that the alpha person can say certain things that the beta person can’t. In fact, there would be a problem in the relationship if one day the beta person stepped out of his or her expected role and made an alpha-type remark. The alpha person would be absolutely shocked and would not stand for it.

This is, of course, a double standard, and it has gotten me thinking.

A long time ago, a woman I knew was acting boorishly and rude. This was rather typical of her but always chalked up to her “quirky” personality: “Oh, that’s just Elaine. She always walks 10 steps ahead of everybody.” Or: “Elaine doesn’t like to sit at the table and eat with others.” Or: “Elaine always talks that way.” But lo and behold, a new person in the group gently confronted Elaine and said to her: “A lot of what you think of as your personality is just plain sin.”

No one had ever said that to Elaine before! The bucket of ice water was thrown at her, but it spilled on me too. As I thought about it, I realized that a lot of things I do that I give myself a pass on—because “that’s just the way I am”—are just plain sin. Why should it be that there are some things, if my husband did them, would offend me, but if I do them to my husband he’s not allowed to be offended? Who said it’s OK for me and not for him?

So I concluded that I needed to be as polite and deferential to my husband as he is to me. (“God shows no partiality.”) But at first that seems like trying to be fake, like trying to be someone I’m not and imitating rather than being authentic. Nevertheless, as I ponder Scripture, the best answer to that objection is that God Himself commands imitation:

“[Be] imitators of those who through faith and patience inherit the promises” (Hebrews 6:12).

“Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ” (1 Corinthians 11:1).

So whether it at first feels like a “put on” or not, I will “put on” the things God tells me to, and I will learn to walk around in them in my new suit:

“… put off your old self … put on the new self …” (Ephesians 4:22-24).

God does not command us to change our personalities; personality is God-given. He just wants us to get rid of the parts we thought were personality but upon closer observation turn out to be just plain rudeness and sin.