Wanted: Objects of Ministry

Neat Tidy Boxes Church (NTBC) is currently seeking Objects of Ministry (OOMs) for its new Barnabas Outreach program.

The ideal candidates will be down on their luck, loaded with emotional baggage, and dealing with the physical manifestations of sin. Preferably from broken homes, they will struggle with varying types of addictions (including but not limited to serotonin enhancers), morbid introspection, and being the center of attention.

These positions are perfect for single adults over 30, the unhappily married, and Christian women in the workplace. The best candidates will be recently divorced, depressed, and/or given to inexplicable crying jags. The unemployed are encouraged to apply.

The stylish, well-off, and highly educated will not be accepted, but NTBC does give special consideration to the unfashionable, or anyone whose children smell like week-old peanut butter. If we can pity them, they qualify.

Once accepted into NTBC's program, OOMs will take classes such as "Pulling Yourself Together," "Snapping Out of It," and "When the Bootstrap Breaks." We provide counselors who will teach OOMs to know their place, the key to showing proper appreciation, and how to keep their misery from bleeding into other people's happiness. Unfortunately, NTBC cannot provide babysitting, food, or financial assistance, but if they feel a breakdown coming on, we can set them up with one of our prayer warriors who will storm the gates on their behalf.

NTBC offers a wide array of benefits such as kind gestures (currently available on Sundays only), occasional phone calls (if we don't get too busy), and half-hearted dinner invitations. OOMs should not, however, expect to be served the expensive food in the back of the refrigerator or to be invited on Friday or Saturday nights, as these are reserved for Real Friends. If OOMs choose to break down in the midst of the evening's table talk or slide into hideous discussions about their health, we may have to cut the evening short. OOMs should not be offended; this is just the way our ministry works.

Apply now for this exciting new opportunity at NTBC, where we aren't friends---we're ministers. Check us out at ItsTheRealThing.org, and let the revolution begin.