Waiting till the wedding

One of the first things Mike Mobley did as a new believer in Christ was move in with his girlfriend. After hearing the gospel at his girlfriend’s church, he left behind his pursuit of an acting career in Hollywood, and the couple moved from California to Tennessee. They found a two-bedroom apartment and planned to sleep in separate rooms and save money for marriage.

Mobley and his girlfriend began visiting congregations. They visited one a couple of times and sought membership. But Mobley stormed out of a meeting with church leaders when they denied the couple’s application without explanation: “I didn’t understand why.”

Mobley’s girlfriend said the reason was that they lived together. Over the course of a year—one that included a seven-page letter from Mobley’s stepmom, many conversations with Christian friends, and a growing discomfort he now says “was the Holy Spirit convicting me”—Mobley decided to move out. His girlfriend disagreed, and their relationship ended.

Mobley now realizes, “If we had married, our foundation was ‘us first.’ We were the main characters in our story. … We were trying to attach God to that.” He moved to Texas, where he met his future wife Joelle as a church volunteer. They have been married for six years now and have two young children.

Mobley, 31, works on staff at a Dallas-area church, where he sees cohabiting couples increasingly filling auditorium seats. Some profess faith in Christ and even seek membership, as he once did.

Similarly, Houston pastor and marriage author Gary Thomas says, “It’s surprising. … I will meet with a couple actively engaged in Bible studies, regularly attending our services, and living together, and they don’t feel convicted about it.”

Despite decades of statistics that link cohabitation to high rates of divorce and instability, the practice continues to grow and more are viewing it as a precursor to marriage. The majority of couples have now lived with a significant other before they wed. Nearly 7 in 10 teens, and almost half of teens with a religious background, support cohabitation before marriage, according to a Gallup poll.

As cohabitation becomes less taboo even for professing Christians, some, like Mobley, are engaged in helping a new generation see its pitfalls and the value of saying “I do.”

Three years ago Mobley wrote a blog post entitled, “What’s Wrong with Living Together Before Marriage?” Mobley used Scripture to outline God’s intent for sex and marriage. The post continues to be the blog’s most-read, averaging 6,500 views a month, and it has attracted hundreds of comments, many from people who seem conflicted about faith and cohabitation and ask Mobley, “Is it a sin?” They are compelled by finances, children, convenience, fear of divorce, and the notion they will be able to live together without having sex. Mobley shares his own story: “I’ll be the first to tell you from personal experience, [our] excuses do not justify the actions.”

Further, he encourages his readers to “put down the computer and find a church.” Indeed, church attendance makes a difference: Those who attend are four times less likely to cohabit, according to a Barna Group study.

Many congregations offer couples premarital counseling. Family advocate Glenn Stanton wrote The Ring Makes All the Difference to give pastors and counselors scriptural and statistical backing for marriage. He says relationship is essential: “It’s important to know when to tell someone this area needs to be addressed for you truly to grow as a disciple of Christ.” Mobley agrees: “We try not to say ‘no’ without an explanation. It’s more like … let’s talk about why and take the time to get into people’s lives.”

Mobley, Thomas, and Stanton each said their congregations offer to find couples a guest room in a church family’s home for one of them to live in until they can marry. Sometimes couples reject such offers as they “become so deeply meshed with their finances, kids, things, and animals,” said Pastor Steve Marshall of Santa Rosa (Calif.) Christian Church. “In that case we try to help them set a date to marry as soon as possible.” Sometimes that means a simplified ceremony and reception, and couples with grandiose wedding expectations balk—and even leave the church.

Marshall’s experience hit home lately as his five children have reached their 20s and early 30s. Two have married, and the other three are still single and dating. One of his sons lives two hours from home and recently brought home for a visit his new girlfriend, who is from a Christian background. Marshall and his wife Maggie sat down with them, and in the course of getting to know their son’s girlfriend they encouraged them to consider where their relationship is going and to keep separate living quarters.

Marshall says, “It’s awkward, but we know there is massive temptation. It’s something we’re in constant conversation with our kids about … and we pray like crazy.”