The Transactional Marriage, Part III

Many of us know married couples stuck in a rut like the following: The husband is withdrawn from his wife because he believes she nags too much and gets naked for him too little. The wife is disrespectful toward her husband because he is cold and withdrawn. Each claims to be prepared to give what the other needs, but only when the other gives something first. Or perhaps one believes he or she has been giving long enough, and is quitting until the other starts giving in return. This is an example of what I call Transactional Marriage.

Perhaps it is a consequence of modernizing economies, in which homo sapiens has transmogrified into homo economicus. Or perhaps it is a byproduct of the Roman legal culture that permeates Western civilization, not the least of which is the Western Church. When something is given, it should be reciprocated. You've got to give to get. Injustice must be paid with suffering. Tit for tat.

Edgar Schein explained that culture consists, at its deepest level, of basic underlying assumptions, about which their holders are often oblivious. Many of us carry about in this way a transactional worldview.

Though I profoundly disagree with some statements in Gary Thomas' Sacred Influence (statements that contradict his otherwise fine vision of Christian marriage), I think pastors could do a lot worse than requiring couples considering marriage to read and discuss at least the first chapter of his Sacred Marriage. This is because he makes clear that marriage is not about getting yourself to a higher state of happiness, but about entering into a sacrificial, sanctifying relationship. You pour yourself out for others to whom your flesh is bound: your spouse and your children. You draw close to them in joy and suffering and as a consequence (and end) you draw closer to God. What Thomas says of his book might equally be said of Christian marriage: "Spiritual growth is the main theme; marriage is simply the context." There is no room here for transactional thinking, which is only ever about improving one's personal well-being.

To be sure, there are plenty of transactions in a marriage. The man endures Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants one night so his wife will be wakened to the wonders of Die Hard with him the next. The wife cooks her husband's favorite meal because that's what she agreed to do if he would finally get that gutter fixed. There's nothing wrong with these transactions, because they are superficial.

I think we begin to do violence to marriage, however, when we allow transactional thinking to penetrate too deeply. It's one thing if the wife withholds pepper steak until her husband gets around to those gutters. It's another if she withholds affection. And the thinking that says: I will give him affection so that he will be more likely to give me what I want, seems to me to be little different.

At a practical level, it is likely to lead to disappointment when the husband doesn't change. And now that we've allowed transactional thinking to enter into our calculation, it is but a small step for the wife to say to herself: I've tried and he didn't love me enough to reciprocate, so now I'm withholding.

What's more, at an emotional level, I think we can often tell when someone's affection or attention or gifts are coming from a place of absolute devotion, or of expectation. Thus transactional thinking-however noble its intentions-can poison a relationship by introducing double-mindedness and doubt.

We Christians are experts at avoiding the obvious trappings of pagan culture, but as Schein pointed out, it's the underlying assumptions that really attach one to a culture. And too often Christians allow the underlying assumption of transaction-of personal fulfillment and satisfaction-to influence our words, actions, and thoughts in our marriages. Ask any pastor, and he can recount dozens of marriages he's seen fall on the rocks because one or both spouses was embittered over what he or she was not getting from the other. They are mired in transactional thinking, and thus they feel wronged.

But in none of his relationships is the Christian called to get what's his, is he? Strange how we can easily remember that when it comes to charity for strangers, but forget it so easily when it comes to our husbands and wives.

Read Tony's "The Transactional Marriage, Part I" and "The Transactional Marriage, Part II."