The simple art of neighboring

When Phyllis Hall tried to surprise her neighbor with a spring gift bag in March, the neighbor’s doorbell (a Ring model with a camera) gave her away. That attempt prompted a laugh between the two ladies and also an impromptu conversation about the neighbor’s health.

The interaction was spurred by Hall’s desire to reach out to her neighbors, something she said she hadn’t done as much since her husband Jerry died about three years ago. “He was a great neighbor,” Hall said. “He was the kind of neighbor that waved to everybody, stopped and talked to everyone.”

Hall, 72, was encouraged to redouble her efforts at neighborliness after attending a conference on neighboring at her Springfield, Mo., church in March. She called the event at Ridgecrest Baptist a “wake-up call.”

More than 1 in 3 Americans say they don’t know many of their neighbors by name, according to a 2020 Lifeway Research survey. The conference at Ridgecrest, a church of about 1,100 weekend attendees, was part of a yearlong effort to encourage members to build relationships with those who live closest to them.

Church deacon David Burton (see “Getting to know you,” June 25) said many people have “adopted the cultural narrative of, I’m a good neighbor, because I’m quiet and I leave my neighbors alone.” Burton says that thinking doesn’t line up with the Biblical narrative: “It really is about being an engaged neighbor and showing hospitality.”

Ridgecrest leaders say they’ve encouraged members to take small, specific action steps—such as getting to know your eight closest neighbors. Missions mobilization director Kelsey Kleier said that people should find an approach that works best for them. “Introverts and extroverts both have beautiful things to bring to the table when it comes to meeting people and building relationships,” she said, adding that the shy and quiet members in her small group are some of the best listeners.

Prayer is important, and some bridge-building interactions may come from unplanned opportunities. One of church member Kevin Bowlen’s neighbors was rarely outside, so Bowlen prayed for an opportunity to have a conversation with him. Bowlen was working from home when he heard a noise outside his house: The neighbor’s son had accidentally ridden his bike into Bowlen’s trash can. The boy was fine, and Bowlen finally got to talk with his neighbor.

“I wouldn’t put trash cans out in the sidewalk to cause people to run into them,” Bowlen joked, “but maybe that’s a new initiative process.”

Judy Stainback, 70, attends Second Baptist Church in Springfield but also attended the March conference at Ridgecrest. Just before that, in late February, she began inviting the 31 single women in her neighborhood, usually in groups of three, to her house for breakfast, brunch, or lunch. She has welcomed 17 women to her house so far.

She writes a handwritten invitation for each woman and sometimes gets handwritten thank-you notes in return. One came from a widow in her late 80s who wrote that she planned to pay the gesture forward, inviting women over for coffee and card games. Stainback kept the card and sometimes reads it to other guests: “If an 88-year-old widow can do something like this, so can they.”

Sometimes her neighbors’ schedules keep them from coming, and one time a woman whose husband died of COVID-19 turned down the invitation because she didn’t yet feel comfortable gathering in someone else’s house. During one gathering, one of Stainback’s guests monopolized the conversation. But Stainback said most of her neighbors are excited to come. “After I get through with the single ladies I’m going to start up and down my street,” she said. “There’s 26 houses on my street. I’m just not going to give up.”

As Phyllis Hall works to befriend her neighbors, she’s also putting her neighboring efforts to use within the widows group she started at Ridgecrest in 2020. “When you’re a widow … you feel very alone—and just like a new neighbor can feel,” she said.

Her small group of about 15 women meets on Thursdays for activities like games, Bible studies, or speakers on topics like health or finance. Widows in the group are matched with other widows at Ridgecrest—some of whom haven’t yet joined the group.

“Your neighbor is anyone you come in contact with,” Hall said. “The main objective is to show them that someone cares.”