Rushing past grief

As part of its effort to sell my recently published book, my publisher schedules interviews for me with Christian radio stations. Because one of the things I wrote about in the book was grief, and in particular mourning a dead child, this is something that the radio hosts frequently want to discuss. Often the question I'll get is: "What advice do you have for those who are close to someone who is has recently experienced a terrible loss?"

It's a good question, and I think sometimes the person asking is expecting me to give some words that will provide comfort. The advice I give, however, is to speak as little as possible. Those who have experienced deep suffering, at least in this country, have likely also experienced the well-meaning Christian friend who draws alongside to offer scriptural solace. The friend is quick to point to a Bright Side, be it all things working together for good, or the imperative of counting it all joy, or when someone has died, the great festivities he must be enjoying on the other side of the veil.

This is, of course, supremely unhelpful. It's not the well-meaning Christian friend's fault, any more than it might be his fault when later he backs his car over your foot. It's not his fault, but it hurts all the same.

I counsel silence because there is a time to weep and grieve, as the Lord Himself demonstrated. Some of us are too quick to rush past this, embracing a spiritual walk reminiscent of Thomas Kincaid's paintings of a world where there has been no Fall. We shouldn't rush past grief, when our time for it has come. And we certainly shouldn't try to hurry our friends past it.

What to do when someone we care about is experiencing a dark night of the soul? Sit with them in silence. Pray over them without preaching to them. Listen to them. Weep with them. If they want our words, they'll ask for them. Otherwise, let grief have its day. Its days are limited, this we believe wholeheartedly. But those days are real, and prattling friends only prolong them, no matter how good their intentions.