On forgiving

I've been thinking about forgiveness, and how easily it gets misconstrued. For example, there are some who want to couple forgiving and forgetting and who think that you have not really forgiven someone unless you pretend with him that the transgression he committed or the injury he caused never happened. The problem is that transgressions often leave wounds. To expect one's victim to waltz about carefree after you have broken her leg is to really have no grasp of what you have wrought with your transgression, which in turn calls into question whether you are truly repentant.

And then there are those who think of forgiveness as an event that one must manufacture. It's almost as if we think there is an incantation we can utter, after which we have officially forgiven the person who has wronged us. But the pain of wrong---serious wrong---doesn't depart with the incantation. We find ourselves having to forgive again, and again, and again, and then we start to wonder if we ever really forgave in the first place. In other words, we miss the reality that lingering wounds and memories are always there to tempt us to bitterness, which often makes forgiveness a process rather than an event.

These two misperceptions---that to forgive is to forget, and that forgiveness is an event---collide sometimes, so that the transgressor, upon seeing the continued suffering of his victim---for example, someone he has lied to or betrayed or simply let down---is tempted to imagine that he is the wronged party, that if his victim had truly been Christian about the whole matter, then he wouldn't be feeling bad right now.

Having been a transgressor more than once, I've had to learn the hard way that some wounds linger, that some never depart. Of course, my hard learning is nothing compared to the learning of my victims. Speaking as a sometime victim and a frequent transgressor, I think we all could stand to remember that sin yields victims and that victims don't heal overnight. When we are truly repentant, we don't bristle at the mention of our sin. We accept it, just as we have (hopefully) accepted forgiveness for it.

I think it's helpful to remember as well that forgiveness is not only a process, it is an imperative. One has to torture the Scriptures pretty hard to walk away with the notion that God's forgiveness is afforded to those with hardened hearts. Which makes our transgressions all the more devastating, because when we harm others, we tempt them to bitterness, to go before the judgment seat unforgiving.

And finally, forgiveness is not an off or on button. Just as it is a process, something to be strived for, it is something that we can adopt to greater or lesser degrees. For example, we can release in our hearts our desire for vengeance or recompense. That is no small thing. But consider how much farther we have to go when we compare our meager forgiveness to Christ's, who not only pled for His murderers, but also willingly subjected Himself to their transgressions for their own sakes. That is, I suppose, the standard for which we must strive, to not only relinquish our anger, but to be willing to undergo wrongs in order that a soul may be won.

And when we think about how much in our lives cries out for pardon, and how meager, all too often, is our forgiveness of others, it's a wonder any of us has time to be preoccupied with any sins but our own.