Need a friend?

Intimacy: What does that word bring to mind?

Don’t read on just yet; take a moment to think about it. Intimacy is _________.

Does sex come into your mind, either smack in the center or darting around the perimeter? Standard dictionaries are rather prim; in the two I consulted, sexual intimacy was the fifth or sixth definition, after “close acquaintance,” “indicative of one’s deepest nature,” “very personal.” But in our culture, intimacy means sex about nine times out of 10—try running a Google search on the word. (On second thought, don’t.) Even bromance, a word invented to describe a close, nonsexual relationship among men, carries a whiff of sensuality. What about the words intimate friend?

The word friend is thrown about as carelessly as the word love. We think we know what friends are: people you hang out with, people you like, people who have your back, people you can count on, people who affirm you. (Sex intrudes even here, as in “friends with benefits.”) Preschoolers perceive the word to mean practically anyone of their own age outside the family. Nothing seems easier than “making friends.”

Yet C.S. Lewis, discussing The Four Loves, calls friendship the least “natural.” Unlike basic “need love” and high-level agape love, friendship makes no demands; it just seems to happen when people converge. Lewis says it begins that moment when individuals recognize a common sensibility: What—you too? I thought I was the only one who noticed that. With time and proximity, recognition blooms into relationship—comfortable, uncalculated, and unself-conscious. It doesn’t exist for its own sake, but for the truth shared. Friends come to understand and appreciate each other over time and will naturally supply emotional support (and other kinds) when required, but support is not what they’re about. We’ve all had buddies who disappeared when we really needed them, but we’ve also had besties who needed something from us we couldn’t give. Both can kill a friendship.

Without a firm grasp on the value of friendship and making time to cultivate it, we drift further into our own worlds or claustrophobic pressures.

It’s not as simple as we thought, after all. Stranded in a landscape of ferocious individualism, with families and communities falling apart all around, it might be time for the church to develop a theology of friendship.

For every 10 books about marriage, can you name even one about friends? Marriage has been under attack for decades, and we’re understandably busy with shoring it up. In the process, though, we may be expecting marriage to fill gaps it was never meant to.

How many times have you heard that your spouse should be your best friend? Yet sometimes that isn’t possible: Marriage, unlike friendship, exists for its own sake. Loaded with significance, it makes demands on a couple that may hinder them even liking each other for days or weeks. At such times a godly and discreet friend could mean salvation.

Marriage is face to face, friendship side by side. Marriage is diminished by addition; friendship is often enhanced. The most enduring friendship I have ever known is among six women who homeschooled together and still meet twice a year. Our children were our mutual concern (and still are). We began out of need, but it’s our shared love for God’s kingdom that keeps us going.

We don’t need it, but then again, we do. We recognize loneliness is a big problem in our society, but also in our churches. Without a firm grasp on the value of friendship and making time to cultivate it, we drift further into our own worlds or claustrophobic pressures. Men who feel the loss of emotional intimacy may seek it in unhealthy places. Women sometimes need a breather from family demands. Christians who are same-sex attracted long for nonsexual intimacy but can’t seek it without raising eyebrows.

The church is the bride of Christ. Individual Christians are the friends of Jesus, “for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you” (John 15:15). As a church we’re face to face with him; as friends we are side by side, sharing a common love. We enhance our friendship with Jesus by letting others in.

Email jcheaney@wng.org