In-laws, not outlaws

Jonathan and I learned soon after our marriage that we would be talking about word origins until the day we died. I guess some couples talk about work, or sports, or the state of the arts. But few of our days pass untouched by a rumination on an etymological curiosity. Where did such-and-such a word come from? What is it related to? How does its meaning differ from such-and-such? We knew we had married well because we felt comfy enough to expose our true identities as incurable word nerds.

This week, as we walked down our long driveway, Jonathan began to muse: “The words in-law and outlaw are so funny. They sound like they should be opposites. But really they aren’t related at all.”

“Well,” I said, “they are both related to the law.”

“I mean that they sound like they should have generated simultaneously,” he answered. “But each probably came into use independent of the other.”

True enough, I supposed. Though I had heard enough jokes comparing mothers- and fathers- and sisters-in-law to the gallon-hatted felons of the West that the words formed a strong link in my mind. Who, before marriage, expects their relationship with their in-laws to go smoothly and to improve rather than rob their marriage of joy? Instead, we have the classic cultural image of the nagging mom-in law who comes to inspect the cleanliness of the stove and always disapproves. In too many cases, the creation of new families makes the words “in-law” and “outlaw” register about the same.

It makes sense. The transition of authority and provision in a new marriage requires delicacy and discernment from everyone involved. Nothing is more personal. For the easily offended, it can quickly become a war zone. Before I met my husband, that’s what I expected.

But God picked out my parents-in-law long ago, and He knew what He was doing. In the few years I have known them, I have studied the ways they have handled our transition into marriage. Because mothers-in-law fall prey to the fiercest stereotypes, I will tell you about what my mother-in-law did right.

Cara always made me feel free instead of controlled. When you get married, you still honor your parents. But for direction, you look to your husband. The shift isn’t easy, but my mom-in-law made it so smooth for me. She assured us of her love. At the same time, she gave us complete freedom to live on our own as we chose. She never came to peek at my stove. I felt when we got married that I had gained a celebrator instead of critic. And isn’t that what every mom should be?

Cara made me feel like an adoptee instead of a stranger. Whenever she dropped Jonathan off at school in Virginia, she would cry. I’ll never forget the first time she cried dropping me off too.

When it came time for Jonathan and me to decide where to move, I knew I wanted to move close to my in-laws. Instead of one childhood home, I suddenly have two.