Galilee horse race

There is no impending catastrophe so terrible that the media will not report political candidates’ warnings of it as they report on a Sunday horse race. The sky will be falling but interest will be directed to bumps and spikes in the polls. Let the impassioned White House seeker rend his garments and toss dirt on his head over a national debt swallowing up the GDP, and the headlines will mock his necktie. When Planned Parenthood is caught selling baby parts, media call it “another hot-button issue whipping conservatives into a froth” (Real Clear Politics, August 2015).

I was daydreaming that the cable and online networks were around when Jesus was issuing prophetic warnings. How would 21st-century reportage cover the Nazarene Rabbi’s three-year campaign to save souls from the wrath of God to come?

Jesus: “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God” (John 3:3).

Media: “With a demeanor that augurs poorly for a future in politics, the upstart Galilean teacher ignores Jewish ruler Nicodemus’ friendly overture and declares his terms, leaving no room for compromise. We shall see if the electorate hands him a lesson in deportment presently.”

‘Increasing obsession with a judgment day to come has cost him the support of all but the most extreme followers.’

Jesus: “If your eye causes you to sin, tear it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than with two eyes to be thrown into hell, where their worm does not die and the fire is not quenched” (Mark 9:47-48).

Media: “Mention of hell as if it were a literal place may play well to the conservative base but seems poorly calculated to appeal to the liberal wing of Jesus’ party that prefers its theology figurative.”

Jesus: “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you” (John 6:53).

Media: “A huge defection from the Jesus camp today as the candidate misspeaks during a campaign stop in the fishing village of Capernaum. Audience members of the unpopular speech are heard to grumble about narcissism, ‘Is this not Jesus, the son of Joseph, whose father and mother we know?’ (v. 42). Perhaps stunned by the effect of his gaffe, the Rabbi asks his core supporters, ‘Do you want to go away as well?’ (v. 67).”

Jesus: “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! … Woe to you, blind guides. … You blind fools! … O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets … ! How often I would have gathered your children together … and you were not willing! See, your house is left to you desolate. For I tell you, you will not see me again, until you say, ‘Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord’” (Matthew 23:14-17, 37-39).

Media: “As increasing desperation makes him strident, a Jesus floundering in some polls and still ahead in others issues a blistering rebuke to the Establishment, citing a laundry list of criticisms that may resonate with true believers—from oppressive regulations, to special perks, to rank internal corruption. Can the Nazarene turn the momentum around at this late date?”

Jesus: “Do you see these great buildings? There will not be left here one stone upon another that will not be thrown down” (Mark 13:2).

Media: “Transparently trying to parlay anti-Roman sentiment into votes, Jesus didn’t help himself this morning when he tossed off the suggestion, on the site of the Temple precinct, that the days may be numbered for Herod’s magnificent construction, the jewel of Judaism. The outsider candidate greatly underestimated popular grassroots sentiment for the worship facility in the capital city.”

Jesus: “The queen of the South will rise up at the judgment with this generation and condemn it” (Matthew 12:42).

Media: “Mental instability is manifesting full-blown in the Jesus campaign. The candidate has formally distanced himself from his own wary family (Matt. 12:46-50), has cursed a fig tree for no apparent reason, overturned tables in the outer court of the Temple, and been seen weeping in public (John 11:35). Increasing obsession with a judgment day to come has cost him the support of all but the most extreme followers.”

Jesus, on the cross: “My God, My God!”

Media: “Final report. It was hard to hear what defeated candidate Jesus was saying. Something about it being ‘finished.’ There will be tell-all books, you can be sure.”

Email aseupeterson@wng.org