For the children's sake

In the midst of a highly public case of "he said, she said," Kate Gosselin, co-star of Jon and Kate Plus 8, in an appearance on Live with Regis and Kelly last week, expressed very little hope that her marriage of 10 years will survive.

The divorce is set to be final in September. In a separate interview, her husband, Jon, when asked how their eight children were faring, said, "Even though they are young, it still hurts them. They can't figure it out. They're like, 'Why aren't they together? Why can't you hug her?' The other day, Alexis said, 'I want you and Mommy to be home together.'"

How sad. Divorce creates a situation that reminds one of King Solomon and the disputed baby. The 21st century version of this same story involves children being carted to and from mom and dad's separate houses multiple times a week, sharing holidays, and splitting summers. The logic goes like this: If mom and dad are happy, the kids will eventually be happy.

Not necessarily so.

Judith Wallerstein, in her book The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, spent 25 years following 131 children whose parents were divorcing. She doesn't mince words or spare feelings:

"For everyone concerned about the economic and emotional deprivations inherited by children of divorce there are those who argue that those kids were 'in trouble before' and that divorce is irrelevant, no big deal. People want to feel good about their choices. Doubtless many do. In actual fact, after most divorces, one member of the former couple feels much better while the other feels no better or even worse. Yet at any dinner party you will still hear the same myths: Divorce is a temporary crisis. So many children have experienced their parents' divorce that kids nowadays don't worry so much. It's easier. They almost expect it. It's a rite of passage. If I feel better, so will my children. And so on. As always, children are voiceless and unheard. . . . We continue to foster the myth that divorce is a transient crisis and that as soon as adults restablilize their lives, the children will recover fully. When will the truth sink in?"

Divorce is ugly, no doubt, but we can all think of situations that seem beyond hope. Beyond the obvious adultery/violence "outs," are a countless number of scenarios that would test a saint's patience. Chronic coldness, anger, bitterness, mind games, biting tongues, laziness, and addictions are some people's reality. Children or no children, what is a couple to do?

Wallerstein offers advice for those considering a split:

"In talking to young adults who were raised in unhappy intact families, it became clear to me that their parents could have gone either way---stay together or get a divorce. This older generation of parents certainly had enough legitimate complaints about their spouses to consider divorce. But their marriages were not so explosive or chaotic or unsafe that husband and wife felt living together was intolerable. . . . If this describes you, I think you should seriously consider staying together for the sake of your children. . . . If a couple can maintain their loving, shared parenting without feeling martyred, this is a choice to consider seriously."

Philo of Alexandria said, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle." Marriage can be just such a battle, no matter how it looks to onlookers. We simply do not know the inner workings of our neighbor's marriage. Some cannot be saved, and for those people we must not judge, but love and support and encourage. But the Gosselins and the rest of us, however tentative our grip on our marriages may be at times, would be prudent to remember Wallenstein's admonition and, for the children's sake, somehow, some way, work it out.