Flavors of manipulation

It is possible that I have shared with you a profitable insight for relationship that I gleaned from counselor Larry Crabb-the concept of "ministry" versus "manipulation." But what I may not have mentioned is all the flavors that relationship manipulation comes in.

If I say the word "manipulation" to you, you may picture something with two horns and a tail, something obvious like Lola in Damn Yankees or Delilah of Samson fame. God has been showing me how subtle my manipulations are-to the point that I am becoming adept at classifying almost all my exchanges with people as falling into one of two categories, the good M, or the bad M.

The other day, in the course of conversation, I brought up to my friend a sin he had committed years ago. I was very cool about it, careful to don a calm exterior and not to sound accusatory or contentious but merely matter-of-fact. Rather than apologize for the transgression again, my friend called me on it: It was a sin long ago forgiven, he said; why was I throwing it in his face again?

Why indeed. I tried to defend myself. I explained that the incident was relevant to the topic we were discussing and that it was still hurtful to me and that I was having trouble dealing with it. So on and so forth.

But privately afterward, the Lord took me to the woodshed and ran a "ministry versus manipulation" check on my action. And yes indeed, what I had done in that conversation with my friend was "play a card." I was looking for a certain reaction. Why was I looking for a certain reaction? Because I craved to hear something that would give me assurance. That is, I was prepared to cause some hurt to the person (not to put it too severely) in order to extract some gain for myself (it would have been an illusory gain). I believe that this is close to a textbook definition of manipulation.

"What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?" (James 4:1)

Blessed is the person who finds all her assurance and all she needs in Christ. That person will not ever have to manipulate; she will be free to minister.