Everybody's (not) fine

It seems that every Christmas there is a family flick depicting conflict and reconciliation. Robert De Niro leads a great cast in such a movie this year, which also stars Drew Barrymore, Kate Beckinsale, and Sam Rockwell. A remake of the 1990 Italian film Stann Tuttie Bene, Everybody's Fine features De Niro as a widower who tries to improve his relationships with his complicated adult children. The movie is a sad reminder of the long-term consequences of family members who routinely keep secrets from one another.

Marvin Olasky wrote a review of the movie a few weeks ago from the perspective of a parent. I viewed the film from the perspective of an adult child. As the movie accurately depicts, in most families parents do not know their adult children like they might assume. The 14 years I worked in youth and college ministry I was routinely amazed at the naïveté of parents who believed that they "knew everything" about their adolescent and young adult children. I was shocked at parents who would say that they have a "great relationship" with the same teen or young adult who would, in turn, lament to me the exact opposite. How could this be?

Power dynamics and love distortions are so prevalent in most families that relational honesty is nearly impossible. Everybody's Fine is a hard reminder that in most families everybody's not fine. Too often honesty is catalyzed only in juxtaposition to crisis---death, suicide, divorce, drug abuse, religious shifts, and so on. I'm beginning to wonder more and more how many of my friends' parents have any idea how much their adult children loathe being around them and what would it look like for these adult children to break the silence and explain why. I'm beginning to wonder what it would take for siblings to reconcile the differences that destroyed their relationship 10, 20, or even 30 years ago. Why are we so unwilling to be honest?

I am encouraged, however, by a few of my friends' parents who have taken courageous steps to encourage honesty with their adolescent and adult children. It is a wonderfully painful experience of confession, repentance, and reconciliation, bringing both tears and joyful intimacy. I wonder if we really want to know the truth. Are we sadly content with the façade?

The weeks that span Thanksgiving through New Year's are often difficult for families because of concealed tensions, pain, and disappointments. In the end, I encourage families with adult children to watch movies like Everybody's Fine, The Family Stone (2005), and Little Miss Sunshine (2006) because they seem to be great opportunities to "get some stuff out on the table" so that future gatherings can be context of respite and joy instead of tension and guardedness.