Dear Abby ...

Dear Abby,

I would like to complain about church. Church is a total flop, as far as I can tell. I don't know why I keep going. I've been attending church for about twenty years now, with precious little to show for it.

First of all, the music is God-awful, the sermons are irrelevant and interminable, the liturgy caters to women, and the people are hypocrites. You have to sing either 19th century hymns or wimpy, touchy-feely songs played by limp-wristed losers (if you know what I mean) who know precisely four major chords.

In my experience (and I've been to plenty of churches in my day), the pastors are either little Napoleons or lily-livered ciphers. And try to get them on the phone in the middle of the week, ha! What do they do with all their free time anyway, while the rest of us have real jobs? You'd think they could come up with better preaching considering all that time on their hands.

One of them had the nerve to come to my house, take a whole afternoon of my time, and suggest that I pray for him and the elders, and maybe come to the 8 a.m. Sunday prayer meeting --- as if I don't deserve one morning of sleeping in, while he only works one day a week. I think it's up to the Management to find something that suits their public and that doesn't bore us, don't you agree?

Joe Churchgoer