Act of will

"I will put my trust in him" (Hebrews 2:13).

I have read these words all wrong for years. They are not a pious sentiment; they are the final, exhausted act of will at the end of a grueling fight. They are a white flag waving from the barricades of self-will and striving. They are a victorious shout of defiance against hell's arrows that would fell him before he reaches the finish line, whether by sweet seductions or by fear or perplexity.

They are spoken by Jesus, the one who after battling the flesh in Gethsemane, after hours of pleading for some other way to accomplish the plan, after coming so close to the edge that he is talking in terms of "my" will and "thy" will as two distinct things, comes to rest in the place we must all come to rest in: "I will put my trust in him."

One recent morning, baffled still by days of crying out for sleep and not receiving---wavering in doubt, wondering what is wrong, what sin in me keeps Him from hearing my prayer, imagining the worst about God---I prayed for more faith. I said, "Lord, give me more faith." He said, "Believe." I said, "Lord, but help me believe." He said simply, "Believe."

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