A missing piece

Sixteen-year-old Zoē Fields of Greenville, Texas, always wanted to meet her birth mom.

Even as a 4-year-old, Zoē had questions about where she came from. Zoē knew she was adopted, as her family is multiracial and she didn’t look like her parents. She longed to know what her birth mom was really like and why she gave her up. Her parents spoke about it openly with Zoē, but because her adoption was closed, they couldn’t give specific answers. Her mom simply explained that for some reason, her birth mom hadn’t been able to care for her.

Since Zoē couldn’t talk with her birth mom, she wrote her letters and kept them in a special cookie jar. She drafted them for every occasion: Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, birthdays, or just when she felt sad. Even though two of her other siblings were also adopted from Texas, she felt shy talking with them about her loneliness. Instead, she talked to Cloudy and Sunny—her imaginary friends.

Zoē was thankful for her adoptive family but felt sad: “I was missing a huge part of my story.” According to the Adoption Network, Zoē is one of approximately 1.5 million adopted children in the United States. Of the children adopted domestically, only 5 percent of adoptions are closed, like Zoē’s. For years, Zoē’s parents tried to contact her birth mom through their adoption agency. No response.

Still, Zoē savored quality time with her family, watching movies with her mom and playing board games. At Thanksgiving and Christmas, they hosted friends for dinner before holiday church services.

The Fieldses attend a church where adoption is common, so many of Zoē’s friends were also adopted. She felt comfortable talking to them because they understood her experience and knew the “fear of not being wanted and loved.” She also turned to the Bible for encouragement. Her favorite verse is Philippians 4:13—“I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” It reminds her God gives her strength to process overwhelming emotions.

One day, when Zoē’s mom was on Facebook, she discovered her birth mom’s profile. She asked their adoption agency to message her. At first, they heard nothing. But after a few years of waiting, Zoē’s birth mom responded. She wanted to meet Zoē.

Finally, 14-year-old Zoē was going to meet her birth mom.

Zoē steeled herself for a difficult experience. She expected to hear that her birth mom never wanted her. Instead, she encountered a woman who was “sweet and brave” and looked just like her: “It was like looking in a mirror.” They had the same body type, talked with their hands the same way, and even had the same joint problems. Her mom worked on a ranch as a girl and loved horses. Zoē loves horses too. Zoē’s mom had been right—her birth mom had simply lacked the finances and support system to care for her.

Finding these similarities made saying goodbye hard. Zoē hasn’t seen her birth mom since that meeting, but she keeps a Christmas present for her in her room along with books she wants to give her. There are still a lot of answers she doesn’t know, but knowing her mom loves her is encouraging.

Through her birth mom, Zoē connected with an older brother and sister over social media: “Hey, I’m your little sister,” she messaged them. They were excited to hear from her and told her she looks exactly like their mom.

Sometimes Zoē wonders how different her life would be if she still lived with her biological family. She’s curious “what it would be like to wake up in their environment,” surrounded by people who look like her. But she doesn’t regret the way things are. She loves both her families and sees God’s hand in her life.

Zoē continues to work through painful emotions, but learning to talk openly about her feelings helps. In June 2020, she published a children’s book called When I Miss You based on her experiences. Originally, she didn’t plan to publish it, but realized it might help kids who grew up like her.

Zoē still misses her mom. At their first meeting, Zoē gave her a photo album with many of the letters and photos she had saved. But she still keeps a few in the old cookie jar to look at from time to time.

—Grace Snell is a graduate of the World Journalism Institute