A better marriage narrative

Weyinmi Eribo had one final fight with her husband one evening. He flung a plate in her direction, but it didn’t hit her.

The following morning, Eribo—who was 24 at the time—went to pick up their daughter from her cot. She found pieces of the broken plate from the previous night around her head. It was a defining moment.

“That was it for me,” she said.

She left the next day, July 9, 2013, and finalized her divorce three years later.

While Eribo’s particular experience may be unique, it fits into an ongoing and alarming rise in divorce cases in Nigeria. As with many Nigerians, she grew up in a family with long marriages. (Her parents stayed together for 47 years before her father died last year.) And as with many divorcing women, a stable career was part of what made divorce a possibility.

Unlike the United States, where a change to no-fault divorce law in the 1970s sparked a surge in divorce rates, Nigeria has not undergone any legal changes. Instead, counselors are pointing to social media, economic challenges, and rising female financial independence as some of the contributing factors.

The rising numbers have spurred efforts to help those who have gone through the process to rebuild. Meanwhile, some counselors and younger couples are working to move past glamorized, unrealistic portrayals of marriage and help people see healthy marriages still exist and work.

Nigeria does not keep an up-to-date record of national divorce numbers. The latest data from the National Bureau of Statistics in 2006 reported less than 1 percent of couples were divorced in that year, with the same figure for separated couples. But Aronke Omame, a Lagos-based lawyer and a divorce coach, says she has seen a spike in women seeking divorces in recent years. (The legal records also don’t include Nigerians who carried out traditional marriages not accounted for under the law.)

Nigerian courts require evidence that a marriage has “broken down irretrievably” to grant a divorce. The marriage must also be at least 2 years old.

Omame said Nigeria’s rising divorce numbers are not surprising. She sees more women bringing forward petitions for divorce, saying that society is more accepting of men who move on to the next relationship before their divorce is finalized.

Six years ago, Omame formally began Sisi Lawyer to help women walk through concerns in their marriages. For some women, that involves preparing clients for the reality of the divorce process, such as the legal and financial responsibilities. (As a divorce coach, she has a more favorable view of divorce than most Christians.) But for other women, it means helping them to work through issues with their spouses.

In one instance, a couple accusing each other of adultery came to see her. Over several sessions, Omame helped them dig through some of their longtime trust issues and encouraged them to start having honest conversations.

“Eventually I was able to break the knot,” she said. “Three months later they called and said they were reunited and working on the strategies [I gave them] from time to time.”

The 64-year-old lawyer remembers divorces were an anomaly when she was younger. But women today who are not as reliant on their husbands’ income are more willing to divorce. (In 2019, Eribo launched Wevvo to provide more financial training and business opportunities for divorced and single mothers.) Omame added that Nigeria’s exuberant wedding industry that touts an average of two-day celebrations often pressures people to wed, often without proper preparations.

THE SITUATION should be different in the church, but Rev. Daniel Ogundayo and his wife, Elizabeth, have seen a similar gap in marriage preparations, even in Christian circles. Ogundayo said some church leaders lack proper training to carry out effective premarital counseling. He worries it leaves couples unprepared to go through the first five years of marriage, which he calls the years of adjustment.

“If the pastor is not equipped and he doesn’t seek help, most of the couples that pass through such a pastors’ ministry may not have adequate premarital counseling,” he said.

Eribo, who got married in 2011, said her church at the time did not offer any premarital counseling. “We glamorize the marriage ceremony and forget to actually teach people about marriage itself.”

She and her husband still did not get much help when they started to struggle in their marriage. Instead, she said her former church leaders offered phrases like, “Don’t worry, God would sort it out.”

Eribo also pointed to the proliferation of church prophecies over people seeking to get married. Such revelations sometimes come with specific timelines—such as three months.

“Any man that comes to them within that three months, in their head it’s, ‘God has sent me my husband,’” she explained. “So people feel like if they’re not married something is missing, as opposed to finding the message God has called you to this earth to live out.”

The Ogundayos said social media isn’t helping. It mostly portrays two stark ideas about marriage: Either it idolizes lavish celebrity weddings, or it expresses despair over the gloomy reports about divorce.

“It makes people lose hope,” Elizabeth said. She said Christians need to take responsibility for the information they consume, but she also pointed to the need for more bold, Christian messages about marriages online.

The Ogundayos also noted that the country’s economic crunch means more couples have less time to invest in their relationship. When the couple wedded back in December 1990, they stayed in a small, single-room apartment while Daniel worked as a missionary before they moved into their larger apartment.

Their affection is still evident: As I talked with them over Zoom from their home in central Plateau state, Elizabeth occasionally pulled David back in front of the camera with a smile whenever he talked and drifted from view.

In their pre–social media days, they looked to Christian couples around them as models. That included the missionary couple who worked at their campus at the University of Ibadan and their parents. They saw happy marriages firsthand, along with the tolerance and forgiveness needed to make it work.

“People focus more on marriage as an event. That’s one problem with the modern perspective about marriage,” David said.

David pastors a church on a university campus in Plateau state. He encourages couples within their church to be present in the lives of the students, especially those who grew up in difficult homes. “It gives them hope that marriages can work,” Elizabeth said.

ON A SUNDAY EVENING, the playful chatter of two young children filled the living room of an apartment in Abuja. Around them, four young couples chatted and had an early dinner as they ran through a weekly check-in.

One person shared about and received encouragement over a work situation. Another shared the struggles with her first-time pregnancy and received affirmation over God’s plan and purpose for her child.

The conversation was much lighter as the group wrapped up its run of the Homebuilders, a marriage small group. Opeyemi Kesena and her husband, Joshua, started the Bible study in Abuja early in 2020. They had attended the study in Plateau under Opeyemi’s parents, the Ogundayos.

The program is modeled after the book, Staying Close, by American author Dennis Rainey. It guides the couple through honest, solution-focused conversations about teamwork, building intimacy, and communication—bucking the trend against such open conversations.

“It helps you to see some struggles in your marriage are not particular to you,” Opeyemi said.

The program runs for about three months, after which the couples go on to start separate groups again. They started about six groups so far in Abuja. The process is not always regimented. Some couples bond so well that they extend their sessions, Opeyemi said, laughing.

That bond was visible among the group I visited. They have shared their struggles and vacationed together. One couple, David and Adeboro Rotimi, said they learned intentionality and realized some of their problems were normal and surmountable. Adeboro said it helped her get over the expectation of not speaking out about marital concerns.

The first few weeks in the group triggered what they called their “teething process.” It sparked arguments about issues they didn’t realize they were harboring, before guiding them along ways to resolve them.

“The best part of it for us is the fact that we have a community of people that understand marriage from the same context, and if we’re addressing marital issues or any issues that surround marriage, we have a reference point that everybody can resonate with,” David said.

The Rotimis wed in 2019 and now have a 1-year-old son. The day I visited their home, Adeboro told me while laughing that they disagreed that morning over one of their businesses. But their experiences from the Homebuilders group and their church community guided them into fully embracing the fact that they are on the same team.

“It’s not all doom and gloom because I know where his values are anchored,” Adeboro explained.

While they were dating, David said, he searched online for young, Christian Nigerian couples, but came up short. So, after they married, they started their own YouTube channel and are also active on other social media platforms. It’s not so much about giving advice but vulnerably sharing what works in their marriage, he said.

“I would say anchor your dream of marriage on the actual origin of marriage. If He created it, it’s supposed to be a good thing.”

The Kesenas, who also maintain an active social media presence, said they encourage other Christian couples within their circle also to go online. They hope to counter the negative messages online with honest, vulnerable messages about overcoming their struggles and staying true to each other.

It’s had some impact: Some Nigerian blogs and ­Instagram accounts have picked up and reshared several of their posts.

“There are good marriages out there, and you can have a good marriage,” Opeyemi said. “If people are pushing the bad narrative, we have to push our good narrative.”

Fewer divorces—but fewer marriages

In 1969, California Gov. Ronald Reagan signed America’s first no-fault divorce bill into law, allowing any spouse to dissolve his or her marriage without any proof of wrongdoing. The legislation caught on, with other states enacting similar laws over the next decade and a half.

The legal changes altered divorce filings: Divorce rates rose from 9.2 newly divorced people per year per 1,000 married people in 1960 to 22.6 in 1980.

Wendy Wang, the director of research at the Institute for Family Studies, said it marked a period where more women got into the workforce. Societal perceptions of single-parent homes also started to change.

But in the latest data from 2019, America recorded a new 50-year low in divorce rates—14.9 newly divorced people per year per 1,000 married people. But one reason for the decline, Wang said, is that the number of people getting married is declining. (In 1970, there were 85.9 newly married persons per 1,000 married adults; in 2019, the number was 33.2.)

It fits into an ongoing worldwide trend that cuts across China, Japan, and now, also likely Nigeria, as fewer people view marriage as a natural part of life.

“In countries where you see the rise of women’s labor force, you probably would see the decline in marriage,” Wang said. “These two are closely related.” —O.O.

Editor's note: This story has been updated to correct the spelling of the name of Rev. Daniel Ogundayo.