Kathy Koch’s advice for parents with smart kids

Kathy Koch believes all children are smart, but not in the same ways. She believes the tools we use to measure intelligence, such as IQ tests, miss the vast majority of ways humans learn, process information, and express creativity. Her latest book, 8 Great Smarts, tries to help parents and children answer the question, “How am I smart?” not “How smart am I?” I had this conversation with Kathy Koch at the Great Homeschool Convention in Ontario, Calif., in June.

As the father of four kids and the spouse of one wife for the last nearly 35 years, a lot of times, the conflicts we’ve had stemmed from my not recognizing their “smart” and thinking that it is rebelliousness, indifference, selfishness, or something else. You address this in your book. Would you read that passage? I would love to. “Does your son keep his eyes glued to his book when you ask him to help with the dishes? He may be word-smart. Does your daughter struggle with obedience because she’s always asking, ‘Why?’ She may be logic-smart. Does your daughter doodle all over her notes rather than studying her notes? She may be picture-smart. Does your son irritate others with his constant humming and finger-tapping? He may be music-smart. Do your children constantly move and touch everything? They may be body-smart. Does your daughter pay so much attention to her cats that she doesn’t finish her homework? She may be nature-smart. Does your son interrupt you constantly because he needs to know what you think about his ideas? He may be people-smart. Does your daughter get lost in her thoughts and ignore your input? She may be self-smart.”

Reframing our kids’ behavior so we see them using their unique “smart” seems to me a real important lesson for parents. Exactly. What some members have told me is that they take it personally when their children aren’t able to follow through or do well or enjoy the same activity. Well, guess what? They’re not you. They’re not even made in your image. They’re made in God’s. Just because you would prefer things done a certain way doesn’t guarantee that a child will understand that. They can’t read your mind. We have to accept the differences. Different isn’t wrong—different is different. I want to give grace and I want to encourage parents and educators to give children alternative ways of being right.

“This is how I would sweep the garage. I’m very logic smart. I start in the upper left hand corner and I work my way down. How would you do it, Benjamin?” Let him do it successfully his way. That’s powerful. That lets them be who they are. Granted, it needs to be done well. Parents have a right to a standard.

You’ve said we should learn to love the kids we have and not the kids that we wished we had. I want parents to raise the children they were given and not the children they wish they had. We all have dreams and ideas before we even conceive. Then you conceive, you have a boy or girl, and there’s a dream. You were a soccer player; you wanted them to play soccer. You’re an accountant; you hope your son will be just like you and take over your business. That may not be God’s plan. If they don’t feel accepted in their uniqueness, they will feel less-than, they will feel broken, and they may never achieve. I do understand the challenge of that, but perfectionism is rooted in expectations that are not fair for the child. That’s the power of this model. Get to know them and then celebrate who they are. Maybe you can become more like them, and you can both enjoy the park.

Let’s say I’m a parent, and I’m listening to this and realize I have not awakened the particular smarts in my kids. I maybe have even stifled them in some way. What can I do about that? The brain can be reawakened. It’s an elastic muscle, and it’s never too late to go back and have some healing happen. Let me say that awakening is as easy as a variety of toys and letting every kids play with trucks and towers and color.

It’s what kind of toys and activities, what kids of books? … What do we spend our money on? Do we only buy music? Do we not buy picture books and pads of paper and smelly magic markers for our kids? Those are some of the things. One more I would say, would be conversations about a variety of things, too. Do we, at the dinner table and in the car, talk about things that are unique? Do we talk about different people and even invite then into our homes as mentors for our kids?

There’s something else you mention kids need to hear from parents who have stifled their smartness. What is that? “I’m so sorry, would you please forgive me?” Kids and teens have told me that would be the No. 1 way to reawaken their dream to try again. Say, “You know, you’re right. I was critical way too quick. I did not listen fully. I am so sorry.” Don’t excuse it: “I had a headache.” We don’t let our kids excuse their misbehavior. I love telling parents, “Let’s call sin, sin. We are imperfect people, and lets let our kids know that.” … That’s so powerful. Kids tell me way too often that they don’t hear it because the kid’s perception is, “My parents think they’re perfect, and therefore I have to be perfect.”

Listen to Warren Smith’s complete conversation with Kathy Koch on the July 2, 2016, episode of Listening In.