Ten minutes that matter

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NICK EICHER, HOST: Today is Wednesday, May 6th. Thank you for turning to WORLD Radio to help start your day.

Good morning. I’m Nick Eicher.

LINDSAY MAST, HOST: And I’m Lindsay Mast.

Coming next on The World and Everything in It: marriage and divorce.

Recent studies show divorce is on the decline, but it’s still an issue that touches many American families. In 2023 alone, more than 1.8 million Americans got divorced.

EICHER: That’s why author J.P. DeGance started a program that helped to drive the divorce rate down by 24 percent in Jacksonville, Florida.

But DeGance also finds it troubling that the number of marriages is on the decline. He argues that decline is more than a cultural trend, it’s at the root of weakening faith, rising fatherlessness, and growing social instability.

Our colleague Mary Reichard spoke with DeGance recently.

MARY REICHARD: J.P., you said that churches stepped back from strengthening marriage or even talking about it. So where did we go wrong? Where did the churches get it wrong?

J.P. DEGANCE: You know, I think biblically speaking, we got away from the simple reality that marriage is the covenantal sign of salvation. Okay, it's there in the beginning of salvation history in Genesis, and all salvation history points to it at the end of time in the book of Revelation with the eschatological wedding feast of the Lamb. 

It's everywhere. The nuptial meaning of Scripture is dripping from the minor to the major prophets from Hosea to Isaiah. And you see it in the apostle Paul's writings where he elevates it, and he identifies that great mystery, that the sacrificial love between husband and wife is that living icon of Christ's love for His bride, the Church. 

And I think at a fundamental level, we backed away from it out of fear. We don't talk about it in a helpful way. We don't preach about it. We don't run ministry for it. Largely, I think the most common is, I'd say, fear of offending those who are from a non-marital home, those who've had family and relationship trauma. 

And that fear has led the church to abdicate its role to form and catechize its people. And as a consequence, and in the absence of that, the world is forming and discipling our young people on marriage.

REICHARD: I read that in Jacksonville, Florida, after using your intervention model, the divorce rate dropped 24%. Now, why is that? How did that happen?

DEGANCE: Yeah, look, we have a lot of agency here. You know, I think one of the giant opponents we have is this idea that success in marriage is just, you know, a coin flip. You know, the reality is the vast majority of first time marriages will last a lifetime, that's between 60 and 65 percent of those who marry today. 

And so what happened in Jackson was there's an entire academic field of marriage and relationship education. There's skills to be good and successful at marriage. And so we scaled, through the local church, the number of people who consume that kind of Christian marriage relationship skills education. 

We have a phenomenal partner in Live the Life Ministries providing boots on the ground with 93 churches. We saturated the area with digital outreach targeting those who are at highest risk for divorce. The net-net was that the divorce rate dropped 24% because we moved so many people through it. Again, 58,900 through that kind of ministry over just a three year period.

REICHARD: What would be a concrete example of one thing that really made a difference?

DEGANCE: OK. So I’ll point to Adventures in Marriage as a really great program that has four tools in it that teaches most of the interpersonal skills and five of the intrapersonal skills. 

And so zeroing right in, you've got something like the daily temperature reading that was part of that particular tool. And it was a simple exercise where people learn how to have a daily touch-in. With these mobile devices that we have, with the busyness of today, a lot of people are not able to share expectations of their day, what happened, new things that are happening. As a consequence, they also frequently have conflict over those expectations, and they don't have the skills to resolve those conflicts in a healthy way. 

So that daily temperature reading, which was one of the four tools that were part of that program, became actually taught, I think it was 27,000 times to people in the county as one for instance. And based on the exit surveys that we're running in these particular programs, we know of concrete marriages that were saved over and over again.

REICHARD: Well that sounds like it boils down to communication.

DEGANCE: Yeah, yeah. You know, look, a big challenge that we have is 70 to 80% of divorces are considered not high conflict. 

People don't need counseling as much as they need coaching. They need to learn the tools and skills for them to communicate better, to share expectations better, to resolve conflict in a more healthy way. When you learn those skills and the tools that work in your marriage, to practice those skills, people by and large are able to resolve their own challenges and get out of them. 

A minority of folks can't. Right? Where there's higher conflict and there's bigger, deeper-seated issues like addiction or physical abuse. But the vast majority of marriages are not in that situation. So there's a big part that the church can play in being leaven in a solution here.

REICHARD: Well, I want to ask about you personally. I believe I read that you're the father of eight. Is that true?

DEGANCE: Yes! I am. I am.

REICHARD: Okay, so you have been around the block. What is one habit that couples should adopt right now that would strengthen their marriage?

DEGANCE: Okay, take 10 minutes of every day and set aside time with no devices, with no TV, no computer, and be situated that you are face-to-face and able to talk. And in that situation, take a few moments for appreciation. Say one thing to your spouse that you appreciate that she did over the last day, the last week. And then flip that around, have your spouse do the same thing. 

Just being able to hear someone say what they're grateful for is something. We know in the Christian walk a huge part of a healthy Christian spirituality is spending time to be grateful to God for all that we've been given. And actually, God has given us the spouse to be our help and aid in our journey to heaven. 

And so, cultivating that 10 minutes—start off with something that you're grateful for over the last day. And I think setting aside that 10 minutes will change your marriage.

MAST: You can hear more from J.P. DeGance on a special weekend edition of The World and Everything in It. You can find it Saturday wherever you get this podcast.

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