Samuel James: Unfulfilled promises of dating apps

MYRNA BROWN, HOST: Today is Tuesday, August 27th. Good morning! This is The World and Everything in It from listener-supported WORLD Radio. I’m Myrna Brown.

NICK EICHER, HOST: And I’m Nick Eicher.

World Opinions Commentator Samuel James now on obstacles to finding true love in the age of dating apps.

YOUTUBE VIDEO: [EXCERPT]

SAMUEL JAMES: Thanks to the ironclad memory of YouTube, anyone can watch this commercial that aired in 2006 for the online dating service eHarmony.

WARREN: At eHarmony, we use the scientific system to help you find someone who's looking for someone like you.

The website was a sensation in the mid-2000s and one of the first internet dating tools to market itself as a viable marriage maker. Its creator was a Christian theologian and counselor named Neil Clark Warren. He appears in the ad, looking and sounding every bit like a pastor cheering on two of his congregants toward wedded bliss.

Twenty years ago, the promise of online dating was that single men and women could skip the overwhelming uncertainty of chance encounters and find someone who was a truly compatible soulmate. Two decades later, online dating apps are now the norm. But soulmates—and marriages—are not. And between tumbling stock prices and increasing user complaints, the days of dating apps may also be numbered.

So why has online dating not fulfilled its promises? One reason may be the paradox of choice. Many observers have noticed that the streaming era has apparently created audiences who have access to everything imaginable but very little interest in 99 percent of it. Similar dilemmas could happen when streaming potential mates. An infinite amount of choice combined with broad freedom to choose sounds liberating but instead becomes paralyzing.

Another reason may be that the internet is not that conducive to the highest experiences of life. The great promise of online dating was to help singles overcome the problems posed by limited choice and the tedious trial and error that in-person dating presents. For some, including Christians, online dating has connected men and women who might not otherwise cross paths in real life. The resulting marriages happened because those people didn’t stay online. The overall verdict, however, seems to be that a generation has been conditioned to hide behind their digital technology. Younger Americans report more difficulty than their elders with things like friendship, major life transitions, and even things like getting a driver’s license. Are these things just that much more difficult than they were 20 years ago? Or has the frictionless experience of digital life made encounters with offline reality feel harder?

Add to that the growing political rift between the sexes, as men break to the right and women to the left, thanks in part to online spaces that fuel their polarization. It’s hardly breaking news that men and women may not totally get each other. But could increasing resentment between the sexes be a consequence of our culture’s stagnant singleness? And might that unwanted loneliness be a further consequence of an overreliance on technology to solve what is ultimately a human need, not a technical one?

Christians know that human beings are designed for something greater than seamless efficiency and maximal choice, and that gives them an advantage over secular neighbors on this issue. This doesn’t necessarily mean throwing out online dating. But it’s still true that friendship, membership in a church and local community, and in-person camaraderie offer the most reliable path toward wedding bells.

Start with friendship by helping ourselves and our children normalize conversation and eye contact. Resist the temptation to always retreat into devices. Meaningful membership in a local church might limit our freedom in some ways, but it also provides a holy context in which to get to know people and practice the art of relationship.

These practices aren’t just quaint “hacks” for a less distracted family life. They are theological and even political habits that just might offer a way out of frustration, paralysis, and the battle of the sexes.

I’m Samuel James.

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