Raising kids with confidence

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LINDSAY MAST, HOST: Today is Wednesday, July 30th.

Thank you for turning to WORLD Radio to help start your day.

Good morning. I’m Lindsay Mast.

MARY REICHARD, HOST: And I’m Mary Reichard.

Coming up next on The World and Everything in It: gender, kids, and a culture of confusion.

Many parents see the necessity of talking to their kids about gender, but wonder how to do it with truth, love, and with confidence.

MAST: Our guest today says parents have more influence than they think. Kathy Koch holds a Ph.D. in educational psychology and is an expert in child development and biblical parenting. She’s co-authored a new book with Jeff Myers titled Raising Gender-Confident Kids: Helping Kids Embrace Their God-Given Design.

She’s known to many as “Dr. Kathy,” and that’s how I address her in our conversation.

I want to ask, I think it's appropriate because we're on a podcast, I found your story about your voice really compelling in the book. Could you tell the listeners a little bit about what you feel like your experience would have been like? Were you a child now?

KOCH: Yes, thanks for asking. A reason I go by Dr. Kathy, and I'm grateful it's a feminine name. So I am fully female. I was born a woman, born a girl, born a woman, and I still am. And yet I'm called sir a lot. My voice is low. Now some people say it's not that low, but it is low. And Lindsay, one of the things that I know to be true is that if I was young today being called sir because of my low voice, I might wonder if my voice was right and everything else was wrong. And then I begin to question. And because our culture is loud—and I think the liar is loud—there's any number of places where I could have found answers and I might have been affirmed. Oh, yeah, just go be a man. Clearly God wanted you to be a man and what's very compelling I think about my voice is I've been told by many people I have a perfect radio voice. And my voice is recognizable. And so I have compassion. But my story is that I know my Creator is a perfect Creator. I know my Creator is intentional, strategic, loving, and personally invested in us. He doesn't just throw us together. He thinks us into created beings. And He wanted my voice to be this voice.

When we know in the knowing of our knowing, we've been fearfully and wonderfully created and we can stand in the authority of God's intent for us, it changes everything. Handle being uncomfortable for a little bit and you most likely will grow out of that if you don't give in and give up.

MAST: You talk in the book that that would work in conjunction, I think, with these five core needs that you've identified that children have when developing identity. Can you briefly walk us through those needs and maybe give us an example of what it looks like when a parent either meets or misses one of them?

KOCH: So our first need is for security. Who can I trust? So we need to be available, responsible, trustworthy. We need to apologize, ask to be forgiven, answer their questions, work with them to get answers if we don't have answers. And it's okay to not have answers. Culture is chaotic and these are new ideas. So security is first and it's found in people, not in our own selves.

And then identity is next. Who am I? If children don't know where they can turn when they have questions, then they will struggle with who they are. So identity is who am I, not who was I. And again, being available, answering their questions, making sure that they know who they are intellectually, socially, emotionally, physically and spiritually. And we would go on record to say that your spiritual identity is first and foremost and will rule you if you allow it to. So I'm created in Christ, I'm complete in Christ. I was created male and female in the image of God according to Genesis 1.27. Let's teach our children that. Chosen, adopted, beloved, all those kinds of things. They need to know who God says they are so that they can hear the liar in social media, in the lyrics they listen to, et cetera.

And then we get to belonging, who wants me? If I have security in people and I know who I am, then I will know who wants me.One of the reasons that young people are choosing to attempt to change their gender is that they are isolated. They don't feel like they've got good, strong, deep connections. And so they're looking for intimacy. We need to show them God of course wants them for who they are. And then we need to want them as well. Too many kids say to me, well, my parents love me. They have to, I wish they liked me. I wish my dad said, hey, do you wanna throw the ball around? I'm always the one having to suggest hanging out with my dad. So we can get better, I think, at helping them with a solid belonging at home and at church and in a soccer team and all those kinds of things.

Then we get to purpose, why am I alive? Well, we're alive to put God's goodness on display. We're alive to become who he created us to be. We're alive to fulfill the great commandment and the great commission. And we do those things when we believe in the believing of our believing that we are who we are supposed to be. And that comes again from security, who am I listening to?

Identity, do I want to be who God created me to be? The people I hang out with and then we have purpose and the lack of purpose leading cause of suicide. So giving your kids a vision for their tomorrows is critically important. And because you're a boy, you'll be able to do this or because like I'm also tall and so people can see me from the back of the room. And those are the kinds of things that we can help our kids understand. And if you live long enough, you'll figure it out.

And then we get to competence. What do I do well? And the cry of every person is to be able to do things well. And Lindsay, it only happens if the first four are met in healthy ways. If we don't have security, identity, belonging, and purpose, we won't know what we could do well. And we won't think there's any reason to do anything well. So apathy, satisfaction with average, young people who just isolate on their devices and hang out in the room alone in the dark. Those are children without competence because they don't think they need any. But when you give them people to serve and a purpose to fulfill, then they're going to want competence. And when you help them discover their gifting, like you're a creative writer and you're a fast runner and you love the elderly well. When you give them a vision for competence, you give them a vision for purpose, and now they wanna live long and be strong and figure out how life works.

So all five of those matter. It's not as complex as it may sound. We just have to pay attention.

MAST: If you could encourage every parent listening with just one step to start with, say, this coming week, what would it be?

KOCH: Wow. Help your children handle being uncomfortable. Help them learn that being uncomfortable in a season is reality. You can't run from it. You can't hide from it. You live through it and walk through it. We tell the story in the book of a girl with braces and glasses and hair she didn't like. And someone said to her, one day your braces will come off. One day you could get contacts and one day you will figure out how to handle your hair. And right now you're learning your character.

And can you handle this well and walk through this well and trust us to guide you. So let's help kids handle being uncomfortable and let's be available to their concerns and let's help them acknowledge when they're improving, affirm them and teach them that it will be better tomorrow.

MAST: Kathy Koch holds a Ph.D. in educational psychology and is the co-author of a new book with Jeff Myers. It’s titled Raising Gender-Confident Kids: Helping Kids Embrace Their God-Given Design. This was an edited version of a longer conversation. We will be air that this weekend on The World and Everything in It feed, wherever you get your podcasts.

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