Janie B. Cheaney: Keeping an open heart

LINDSAY MAST, HOST: Today is Wednesday, March 5th. Good morning! This is The World and Everything in It from listener-supported WORLD Radio. I’m Lindsay Mast.

MYRNA BROWN, HOST: And I’m Myrna Brown. Up next, WORLD commentator Janie B. Cheaney on the quiet redemption of a lifelong vow.

JANIE B. CHEANEY: In my experience, when one partner decides to leave a marriage, no amount of persuasion will change his or her mind. I suspect the decision is often made before the other partner even suspects anything amiss. The dissatisfied spouse may agree to counseling, may attend a class or read a book or sit down for earnest conversation with the pastor or the in-laws, but it’s a pretense. Or perhaps going-through-the-motions to ease any qualms of conscience. I did all I could, goes the justification. I tried my best. But it’s hopeless; our differences are irreconcilable.

I’ve seen this happen many times, and three times I was involved as a confidante or counselor. Each marriage is its own story that only two people know, and whether to split or stay together is a decision only those two can make. But outsiders can make guesses based on what they’ve seen and heard. In those three cases, all parties involved were church-going Christians. In each case, one partner was the instigator, while the other was willing to do what it took to keep them together. In each case, the grounds for divorce were not the biblical examples of adultery or abandonment. One side wanted out—that was the bottom line. Some of their complaints were trivial, others more serious, and some, I believe, were exaggerated.

But specific complaints were secondary. As Blaise Pascal observed almost 400 years ago, “The heart has its reasons that reason cannot know.” My friends were letting their hearts shout down any counsel to the contrary. For them the matter was already settled, and sooner or later they’d cut off the peace talks and get down to the business of dividing up assets.

Am I speaking to anyone who’s already decided they’re done? Anyone who’s building a case for leaving that may lack strong biblical support? Allow me to get personal.

Several years ago, I wanted out. My husband was never abusive or violent, but he’d come to believe things about me that weren’t true. We had drawn apart, while living in the same house—more like roommates than husband and wife. My conscience wouldn’t let me leave him, but I wouldn’t have minded if he’d left me.

At the same time, I was praying that God would help me love him. Sometimes I prayed half-heartedly, even reluctantly. I didn’t see how it could happen, but prayer was my duty.

We should never underestimate God—not just his faithfulness, but also his creativity and his willingness to act. Who could have imagined that he’d give my husband Alzheimer’s and erase all memory of our bad times? Who would have thought he’d give us another honeymoon period of “I love you’s” and “You’re so beautiful?” For us, dementia comes at a high cost, but also unexpected blessings. And the greatest of these is love.

So I say to those on the brink, don’t close your heart. Open yourself to possibility and give God a chance. You have no idea what he might do.

I’m Janie B. Cheaney.

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