Janie B. Cheaney: In defense of small talk

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LINDSAY MAST, HOST: Today is Wednesday, May 28th. Good morning! This is The World and Everything in It from listener-supported WORLD Radio. I’m Lindsay Mast.

NICK EICHER, HOST: And I’m Nick Eicher. Up next, WORLD commentator Janie B Cheaney says the key to deeper relationships might just start with a little small talk.

JANIE B. CHEANEY: There’s a saying that great minds talk about ideas, mediocre minds talk about things, and small minds talk about people. Which makes me wonder: what kind of minds talk about their ideas about people and things?

That’s easy: female minds. Loquacious women have long been a staple of standup comedy, common stereotypes, and inattentive husbands grunting behind their newspapers, but now there’s scientific proof. A research team at the University of Arizona analyzed the everyday conversation of nearly 22-hundred participants in four countries over fourteen years. The participants wore recording devices during a portion of their day, producing over 631,000 audio clips.

To be sure, individuals vary, and it’s interesting that the most talkative and least talkative subjects of the study were both men. Age was a factor: in the teen years girls and boys talked at roughly the same rate, while seniors of both sexes talked less as they aged. But in early to middle adulthood the difference was striking, as women averaged between 1500 and 3600 more words per day than men.

Researchers speculate that mothers in their childbearing and child-raising years converse a lot more with their kids. That’s a reasonable assumption, but I found no indications in the study of what women talked about. From experience, I can guess: Their kids. Diets, recipes, and restaurants. Spouses, parents and extended family. Vacations and everyday excursions. Not gossip, just small talk.

I’ve had deep conversations with good friends, and you probably have too. But the way we got to be friends was through everyday chatter. Most of us don’t start conversations with “What’s the meaning of life?” With us gals it’s more likely to begin with, “Where did you get those shoes?” Such basic dialogue openers could lead to, “Let’s try that new coffee shop on the square,” to “How did you meet your husband?” to “I was reading in the Psalms this morning, and found something I never noticed before . . .”

There’s an art to effective small talk, and not all of us have that knack. My husband, who defied many stereotypes, was naturally better at starting random conversations than me. But anyone with a vocabulary can improve their skills, if they’re intentional about it. God gives us this wonderful ability to communicate, not just to pass the time, but to assist each other, to form relationships, to share stories, and finally to glorify Him.

I want to regard small talk as a gift and enjoy it as I would any good gift from a loving Father. Intentional small talk starts with simply noticing people, whether acquaintances and strangers, in church or at the park or in the office. Noticing will almost always provide an opening like “Is that your granddaughter?” Or even better, a compliment, such as, “I love her lively imagination!” Or if I’m bold enough to break into someone’s communion with their phone: “How do you like your Samsung?” Who knows when small talk could lead to something big?

I’m Janie B. Cheaney.

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