A deeper look at adoption

Welcome to a special edition of The World and Everything in It. I’m Lindsay Mast.

Earlier this week, we brought you a story about a recent report out of South Korea regarding the country’s international adoption program. The country’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission released a report concluding that the government bears responsibility for violating the rights of children and birth parents.

We thought that story would be important to our listeners in part because many who believe in God's call to care for orphans have been touched by adoption at various levels–even if it’s just that we have adoptees in our church families. The stories we hear are often happy ones, and countless children and families have been blessed by adoption. But many adoptees also have stories that may be more complex –something that was highlighted by the report. Adopted children have lost their family of origin, and in many cases, are not brought up in the place or culture in which they were born.

Cam Lee Small is an adoptee brought to America from Korea when he was very young. He's now a licensed clinical counselor and author. His book is called The Adoptees Journey: From Loss and Trauma to Healing and Empowerment. He wrote it to help adoptees work through their history in order to address pain in their past. Cam, welcome.

CAMERON LEE SMALL: Thank you so much for having me here, Lindsay.

MAST: Cam, you’re an adoptee who now helps other adoptees. Could you start by telling us a little bit about your own story.

SMALL: I was born in Korea and lived there, was raised there for about three and a half years, and after a tragic accident, my mom placed me for international adoption, and I was then placed with a family in Wisconsin, two white parents, and was raised in Wisconsin as a Korean-American adoptee. And so through the following years, seasons, and decades, I really kind of came into this sort of consciousness—as we might call it—and an inspiration to help other adoptees and just cheer for others who are on a similar path, but really give space for the wide range of experiences that are possible.

MAST: I’m curious about what it was like to be Asian and raised by parents of a different race. What were some of the challenges that you faced?

SMALL: One of the largest areas that I learned to overcome was just accepting that it's worth talking about and processing with others, and that the idea of adoption, almost inevitably including a layer of trauma—that was something that I had to sort of learn about from mentors and folks in the clinical community—and I think the lack of resources, or just the fact that it was kind of beyond the predominant narrative back then in the 80s, that was a large barrier that I had to overcome and to have space to say, hey, maybe there's more to this story about your birth family, your origins, your identity now and maybe there are ways through it.

MAST: Your book is titled The Adoptee's Journey. What is that journey?

SMALL: That's a great question. Rather than it being this sort of linear, you're going to go from feeling lost to now all of a sudden you feel empowered, it's not necessarily that. What I'm hoping to invite readers to explore is that adoption, yes, is often framed by happily ever after kinds of narratives. We can widen the scope of that to say that, you know, imagine there's an adoptee right now feeling curious, or layers of lament or sorrow or grief, and that can be included in the conversation. It can be included in the way that we pray for one another, carry one another's burdens, and even create, and co-create resources that are specific to that area of the adoptee experience. Because if we don't include that in the range of what it means to be relinquished and placed into the care of another, if we don't include that in there, then we can't develop person-specific, God-honoring resources to speak to and walk with that individual. So the whole range there is something that I'm inviting readers to consider.

MAST: You detail some of what happens to even very, very young children when they're separated from their family of origin. Can you talk about those challenges?

SMALL: The way that I'm entering into that conversation is through neurodevelopment. We're considering that the separation from a caregiver at any age can leave a long-lasting imprint on the body's the development of a nervous system, the brain-body connection, the ability to detect threat and appropriately appraise what it means to be in a safe environment and in a safe relationship, and then actually come up with options to employ in order to cope with threat in order to learn and realize my strengths and contribute to the world around me. 

The idea of this phrase “developmental trauma” is trauma that would occur between the ages of zero to three or maybe even four or five or six. Some clinicians extend it to that, but it's saying that if there is a derailment or disruption to the development of the nervous system, that can have an impact on the way that that infant and toddler and child will move through the world. 

The good news is, I mean, I'm in the business of hope here, that we don't have to stay stuck there, that there are resources for healing, and a process of healing. Maybe not full, 100% healing on this side of the grave, and yet, there is the self-reflection. The more that I can notice and be aware of what's going on within me and around me and in my relationships, the more agency and the more participation and responsibility that I can enact and embody as I seek first the kingdom of heaven kind of thing, but seek a meaningful, satisfying life for myself and for those around me.

MAST: You say adoption is often painted in a very happy and joyful light, but you assert that grief almost necessarily accompanies adoption. Why is that?

SMALL: We can think about: what is grief? It's this internal response to loss. I've lost something. The loss is the event, and grief is the emotion. It's the internalized response to that event. And for adoptees, well, it's hard to mourn someone when we don't know if they're still alive or not. 

For adoptees, the idea of ambiguous loss points to someone who's psychologically present but physically absent still. And if I am just supposed to be kind of grateful for what I've been given, you know, “get what you get, don't throw a fit” kind of thing. Then, if there is no socially-sanctioned, or even spiritually, ministry-sanctioned way of support for that grief, then there's no way to process that. There's no way to mourn. And mourning is the outward expression of that grief. It's a way to process and ritualize what has happened. And that's a human process that I think we need to invite more adoptees to have access to and as a church, as just community, as neighbors and and friends, colleagues, we can be mindful of that.

MAST: Can you explain that further? The idea of “ambiguous loss?”

SMALL: There's a piece that we don't know what we're missing. If I think about the sort of intrapsychic grief or who would I have been, what would life have been like if I would have grown up in Korea? Who am I right now and the people around me, that's great. I can still feel thankful and appreciate that. But I think about birth family, and when I met my birth mom in Korea, I'm just realizing, you know, I have aunts, uncles, there's history there, legacy, other family members, and then just that culture, language, tradition, literature. 

The idea is that that was back then, you're ours now. We're raising you as if you're our own. So learn the language, eat the food. People like us do things like this. No need to think about them back there. They made their choices and the consequences; you're like us now. And for me, it was that process of saying, well, yes, and I'm also Korean. I also have a connection that is still alive and breathing today as we speak. How do I make sense of that? And even access the God-given connections and pieces of humanity that I was designed to even steward as I move throughout the world. So that's part of that process of acknowledging that.

MAST: Cam, talk a little bit about what words or actions send the message that an adoptee wouldn't be allowed to acknowledge what's been lost.

SMALL: You can think about, what are some things in your family when you grew up that you just didn't talk about? Maybe it wasn't like, hey, there's a list on the wall that we don't talk about this. But maybe for some you know, as a therapist, and sometimes engaging in family counseling sessions and just acknowledging that these topics—whether it be finances, intimacy, physical intimacy, or when we go to the family gathering, don't talk about politics. Don't talk about racism. It's too divisive. It's not necessarily like a blatant message—although some clients that I work with have had that. 

It's the silence that teaches children, what do we talk about here? And it's the lack of available spaces or conversations and discussions that can inadvertently let the child know that this is, if you're looking for that this isn't a space for that. 

Or yes, some of the messages would be, aren't we enough for you? Why would you want to go and look for your birth family? They gave you up. And these are things that people have actually said. And whatever age that is, we can try to reintroduce the conversation, but more and more, what we find out is that an environment like that really basically says, in order to be safe here, you can't talk about that. That's sometimes a one and done conversation.

MAST: So from the adoptee’s perspective–What’s the effect of staying silent about their history?

SMALL: We're short-changing the child who is curious about it. So there's two layers here. Number one, there's a child who is curious about it, and they're not being given the language and the tools, the emotional resources, spiritual community, social resources with which to think about this. 

If you think about learning how to swim, you have to practice. You got to get in the pool. And you have a coach there, you have a caregiver there, and there's a movement, and you're immersed in that conversation, and you eventually learn the skills to be able to do that independently. 

If we don't give a child access to that, then maybe they come head-on to that in college or after they graduate high school, and for the first time, oh, my goodness, maybe I started a relationship, or one ended, a new job, or finished something, someone made a comment to me that I never thought I would hear ever again. And it all comes up and I've got no trail of practice or categories in my brain and body for how to sit with discomfort number one and, number two, where to access my resources. Okay, so that's the first one.

And then the second one would be that when a child is asking for it, but they're told that ‘We don't do therapy in this house,’ or ‘That's just for when you're in trouble, you go to counseling’ or ‘have more faith, if you really knew Christ or God or whatever, if you were really a Christian, you wouldn't need to go down this road. You would be content with what you have. Stop complaining.’ 

They're also missing out on, ‘Wow, here are ways that I could learn more about God, potentially, and myself, and discover the skills and giftings and the nuances for my own healing journey and just knowing who I am and even enrichment in my relationship with God, but also what about for others?’ Because the more that I can be equipped here in my own process, well, the more I might have to offer and be able to connect and sit with others, maybe as a form of ministry. 

Instead of me just saying, Hey, you should just be grateful for what you do have, I could say, “Oh, that sounds like something pretty meaningful and significant. Tell me more. What's that like for you?” And now a new connection starts to emerge. We want to cultivate that, not only in the fellowship of believers, but outward in the community.

MAST: Many Christians see adoption as a way to live out their faith, and yet you say that the happy adoption narrative can actually be harmful to an adoptee's faith. You've touched on that a little bit but I’m sure some people will push back on that idea. Can you elaborate more?

SMALL: It's really about asking: Are there, or how many different ways are there to live out our faith? Yes, maybe adoption could be a way for us to love our neighbors. Maybe family preservation is a way to love our neighbors. 

Maybe it's about, how do I come into a community, and what are some resources? What work or love and compassion do I have to provide here and cultivate with the community so that they don't feel like they have to relinquish the child? And what does that look like? And what kinds of supports could I help with and help facilitate in your life so that you feel equipped and supported and loved to be able to choose to parent your child. That's really the idea that there's more than one way to sort of live out “God's plan.” Family preservation could be God's plan, too.

MAST: Who do you suggest should take the lead on these discussions on adoption? And when?

SMALL: I think the last thing we want is for a 16 year old to start thinking about this stuff, and they're like, I've never thought about this ever before my life. I've never heard my parents mention it. People at church don't talk about it. What am I supposed to do here? And so I know that's an extreme idea, but I'm just putting that vision out there because right now, maybe there's a child in the pew, just wondering a little bit more about their story. 

It's equipping children with what I call adoption literacy. The adoptee’s journey is a human journey. So maybe there is a discussion group within the context of your local church community. Maybe a small group dedicated to foster, adoptive parents, or a ministry that they have a book club, or maybe there is a resource library set up, either virtually or in the church there. But it's just part of the environment that we say that this matters, and if this has impacted your life. You are worth it enough for us to honor that part of your story that we've got people that are trained and interested in walking together with you. And here are some resources. 

If we keep it as this sort of taboo thing, then, yeah, I can see why in a church community, it would be kind of hard to sort of jumpstart that process. But when we can sort of pull off the band-aid and say, hey, look, here's some layers to the adoptee experience that we can really serve people in the body of Christ by just acknowledging and naming and working together. 

I don't want to give a blanket statement to be like, Okay, at this age, you're going to introduce this. Really, what I'm saying is that there are formal and informal ways to introduce that support, and it is appropriate. And, you know, work with people, even asking adoptees in your community, what does that look like for us to be in this church and introduce that together? 

We want to think about it in that similar sort of, in that category of, this is part of my well-being. Yes, physical well being. We're talking about going to the dentist and a well-child checkup. There's an emotional, spiritual well being. And if I've never learned how to pray for my birth family, who's going to teach me how to do that? If I've never learned how to ask, Hey, God, can you handle this really big feeling, and can you help me? Your word says that you're a very present help in trouble. If I've never walked through that with someone that I trust, my grown up, it's going to be hard for me to just automatically come up with that on my own. So we need to find ways to say, Yes, this is important enough for us to make a ministry out of this and start walking this path together, co-creating it.

MAST: Cam, I have to ask: many Christians are convinced, utterly convinced, of the goodness of adoption. Your book, though, brings up a lot of the negative experiences adoptees may have. So should Christians who want to give homes to children continue to pursue adoption?

SMALL: I appreciate that question because it's a real question that people ask. But what I tell people is like, what is a different question. How can we reframe that question to say that when children are adopted, though, or when children are relinquished for whatever reason—so I'm going to do this like the before and after—the after is when that happens what are the post adoption supports that have been overlooked for far too long, leaving way too many people in the dark? That's the first part of the question. 

The second question is, why are there so many children available for adoption in the first place? How do we address that need in these communities where a mother feels like literally the only option, the best option for me right now, is to not see this kid ever again? I went through my own journey, and obviously I speak about that in the book, but that's really the discussion. And I am not here to villainize anybody in the story. We're here actually to rally people up to say, hey, here's some things that we need to start talking about a little bit more, and I think it's going to have a positive impact on many lives, that many people would be kept in places of flourishing and well-being if we can branch out to some of these other dialogs. I hope that makes sense.

MAST: It does. Thank you. Is there anything else you'd like to add that maybe we missed out and should have talked about

SMALL: I’ve got to say that, I mean, if we envision the future, it is possible that even just opening your heart to some of these other layers, some of these other considerations, there will be an adoptee at some point in your path that will feel the fruit of you even just pausing or having a consideration that there could be more to this story. There are multiple entry points into this idea of what it means to be adopted or not. And how can we just allow more of that so that many more people can be invited in, that they matter, and the whole of their story matters, and can be open to God's glory, God's love, God's presence in their life.

MAST: Cam Lee Small is a licensed clinical counselor, and author based in Minneapolis, Minnesota.

Cam, thank you so much for your time.

SMALL: Thanks for listening.

MAST: This has been a special edition of The World and Everything in It. I’m Lindsay Mast. Thanks for joining us.

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