The problem with picky eating

Proverbs 15:17 says, “Better is a dinner of herbs where love is than a fattened ox and hatred with it.” Most modern American children would counter, “neither herbs nor ox is what I want to eat for dinner.” They’d rather have Mac and Cheese or Goldfish®–and they’re not shy about making their preferences known. It’s a common problem at family mealtimes. Picky eating is so prevalent among American children that many parents assume it’s natural.

Historian Helen Zoe Veit says it’s not. In her new book, Picky: How American Children Became the Fussiest Eaters in History, she describes the way children eat these days as “bizarre, harmful, and unnecessary.” Surveying more than 200 years of eating history, she scoured university libraries, anthropologists’ notes, personal letters, psychologists’ theories, and cookbook collections. What she discovered is that in the 19th century, “almost all American children used to happily eat the same varied and flavorful food that adults around them were eating.” They ate a wider variety of foods than we do, not because they were limited by location and season, but because “they liked them.”

Veit says the primary way to fix picky eating is to stop giving kids processed snacks between meals and let them leave the table hungry if they don’t like what’s for dinner. That's something Olga Khazan, reviewing Picky for The Atlantic, can't stomach. "Even reading that," Khazan says, “felt shocking.” Still, she was “gripped with envy” reading about kids who happily ate hickory nuts, cold jellied brain, quail, turnips, codfish cakes, mince pie—Veit’s examples abound. “I would kill for my kid to eat like that,” she says. But letting her 2-year-old go hungry if he refuses what she makes? Well, that “seems so wrong.”

Like many moms, Khazan wins the battle over wearing seatbelts and brushing teeth, “but I can’t bring myself to have a standoff over spinach.”

In the past, parents didn’t have a choice, and neither did children. The lack of refrigeration and absence of processed foods made mealtimes the main time food was served. Children knew if they refused a meal, it would be hours before a new option was available. This was to their benefit, Veit says. “Young children in the past became fabulous eaters by the millions when they were pushed—by circumstances and by parents—to eat broadly.”

Even with refrigerators and Costco, however, some parents still mimic these habits.

The first time our daughter stayed for dinner at one friend’s house, I was stunned to hear she ate cabbage soup. She had never eaten anything remotely that healthy at home. “It was all they had,” she said. Because my friend didn’t let her kids snack between meals, everyone showed up to the table with an appetite—including our picky eater.

Barring a medical condition, the stubborn non-eater can change. I saw this when another friend mentioned her daughter’s refusal to eat breakfast before leaving for school. All she wanted was milk. My friend was worried her daughter needed to see a doctor. I urged her to stop offering milk till after she’d eaten her food. She said she would give it a try. When I followed up a few weeks later, she said simply, “She’s eating. It was the milk.”

Most food resistance is simply a matter of the will, not the palate. Kids know from experience that if they refuse what mom serves, she’ll often bring them something else. So they dig in. This is where parents have the power to effect major change. You can’t make your children swallow, but you can stop giving them alternatives. Provided time to develop an appetite, most kids will eventually eat.

Letting your child go hungry till the next meal isn’t punishment, it’s training. It’s a key way they learn that you know what’s best for them, and that their preferences are not paramount. You should make food you like, and serve only that for dinner, with confidence. They can learn to enjoy almost anything. Still, learning to eat what you provide is about more than culinary delight.

That’s because picky eating can easily overshadow other things that should happen at dinnertime. Table fellowship is a major part of a child’s discipleship. When every meal is a battle over food, what’s lost is teaching manners, learning how to listen and contribute to conversation, showing hospitality, and giving thanks to God.

There’s more at stake here than caloric intake. Not only should children come to the table willing to eat, they should be thankful—for the food, and the One who provided it. When children embrace food willingly, mealtimes can be some of the best hours of the day. Jesus taught us to ask God to give us our daily bread. We must teach our kids to thank Him when He does. He is worthy of gratitude, even if they don’t prefer what’s on the menu.