Navigating graduation season

Graduation season can be tough to navigate under the best of circumstances, what with its preponderance of parties, announcement postcards, ceremonies, “toasts” (this is a thing now where impressive people get together to say fawning things about each other and each other’s kids), award nights, “senior send offs,” brunches, luncheons, and the like. But it’s especially tough for those of us who, like me, are unimpressive. I’ll explain, but first some parameters.

Please stop reading and navigate to another article if any of the following applies to you: If you’ve ever won an academic medal, sash, cowl, hood, trophy, plaque, or certificate of any kind. Sorry, you’re impressive, and this reading experience is not for you. If any of your kids have received an athletic scholarship or NIL money from an institution of higher learning … again, you’re impressive and you’ve probably been insufferable about it on Facebook for the last few years. If you’re engaged to be married (sorry, impressive) or have kids who are. Or even if you (or your kids) are in a serious long-term relationship that you have trouble ever shutting up about. Again, this isn’t for you.

Also, please stop reading if you are any of the following: unusually handsome, beautiful, rich (sorry, but obvious), or popular. Or if you were or are the “king” of your church’s youth group (acoustic guitar, good at frisbee, shirt off as soon as it reaches 60 degrees Fahrenheit). You know who you are. The world is your own very special oyster, and this particular reading experience is not for you.

And just as a matter of procedure, if your kid is graduating from kindergarten or grade school, relax, enjoy their childhoods, and please for the love of all that’s good, stop reading. You’ve got many years ahead of you to be insufferably competitive about all that they’re doing.

Graduation, to quote Jerry Maguire, is a “business of tough competitors,” and if you or your child are going to graduate in the next couple of months, you need to be ready. Hence, this field guide.

First, you’ll need a ready and easily replicable answer to the following question: What is [name] going to be doing after graduation? What they’re really asking is, “How impressive are your kid’s plans compared to the plans of my kid?”

Now, for those of us who are unimpressive, this can be tough. Especially if you or your child won’t be finding a cure for cancer, won’t be an NBA lottery pick, or won’t be on the opening-day roster of a major league baseball team. It’s important (for your own sanity) to be able to communicate this as quickly and efficiently as possible. You could always say something like, “joining the circus” or “finding a cure for cancer,” but they’ll probably know you’re lying.

So I’d recommend just traveling with a stack of 3x5 note cards on which you’ve already clearly printed the answer. That way you can shove the note card into the shirt pocket of anyone who even remotely has that “I’m about to ask you about your kid’s plans” look in their eye.

But what of the ceremonies themselves? First of all, know that there are a LOT of them, they’re all long, and they’re all basically the same. Hydration is key, so make sure and bring your beverage of choice because not only will it allow you to wet your beak from time to time, it’ll also give you something to do with your hands besides clapping for other people. Also, you’ll need something to read or watch while the impressive people are being celebrated and fawned-over. In the past I’ve watched the Tyson Fury/Oleksander Usyk boxing match (live, no less!), cut-ups of the Kyle Shanahan zone-run offense, and updates on NFL Draft prospects. This will allow you to a) redeem the time, and b) still clap when it’s appropriate without people knowing that the life is draining out of you.

More earnestly, remind yourself and your kids that they are “fearfully and wonderfully made,” regardless of their particular level of achievement. This can be hard to remember in this season of life. Remind your kids that you enjoy exactly who they are, and how God made them. Let them know that you’re happier when they’re in the room, whether they’re impressive or not. Remember and storytell frequently, about all that you have experienced together. Get choked up, if you need to—it’s good for our kids to see real, non-Instagrammable emotions from us, from time to time.

And finally, remember the goodness of our heavenly Father, who said, “Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!”

Give your kids the “bread” of your genuine interest, attention, and celebration. This will mean more to them, for longer, than any medal, hood, or trophy.