Missing the point of parenting stress

Last week, a flurry of headlines announced that parenting may be harmful to your mental health. That argument came from none other than U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, who issued an advisory. It’s “a significant public health issue,” reported NPR. “Parenting is hazardous to your health,” noted The Wall Street Journal. This follows months of reports about falling birth rates worldwide (in the Journal and in Science, too). Now we can add to fears that we’re not having enough babies the possibility that those who do venture into parenthood may suffer from mental illness. Either we go extinct or we go mad trying not to.

The fine print of Murthy’s advisory clarifies that his concern is parenting stress that leads to “mental challenges,” defined as not “necessarily meeting the criteria for a diagnosable mental health condition.” But this nuance is lost in the news stories about the dire consequences of parenting, followed by a call for government programs, workplace support, and more self-care.

Why is this news? Parenting has always been hard. The fact that our surgeon general, a dad, noticed and is calling attention to it could have a positive effect if parents heed his advice to strengthen ties with friends and family.

When my husband and I drove away from the hospital with our firstborn more than two decades ago, we were scared and overwhelmed. Our doctor reassured us that we wouldn’t break our baby. We weren’t so sure. How could the nurses let us leave without an owner’s manual? You bet it was stressful!

But we never thought to ask the government to help us. Sure, the circumstances giving rise to parenting stress then were different than the financial pressures, technology snares, and expectations for hyperattentive parenting of today. But current pressures are no reason to panic or decide not to have children.

Alleviating parental stress happens best close to home, with the support of family members, neighbors, and especially your church. At my lowest point, I called a seasoned mom I knew. She offered encouragement: “You’re emotional; that’s normal.” “You will sleep again.” “Let me hold the baby so you can take a nap.” She spoke truths from Scripture and prayed with me. She helped me press on.

The real story here isn’t that parenting is hard but that our culture is preoccupied with feeling “mentally well” while becoming more cut off from the very people who increase mental well-being. It’s delusional to think the government can solve problems caused by frayed human relationships by creating more dependence on the government.

Christians need to remember that God designed parenthood to drive people to Him. It’s one of His primary means of sanctification. And it reveals a level of weakness and need that may make unbelievers more open than ever to the gospel. God’s purpose for hardship isn’t to send parents to Uncle Sam for early childhood education programs or tax credits but to call them to Himself. When we’re stressed to the max, we need reminders that it’s in our weakness, not our strength, that the power of Christ can rest upon us (2 Corinthians 12:9). Older parents need to share this message with younger parents.

No amount of “You go girl” hype or “You’ve got this, bro” will change the reality that the experience of parenting a baby, toddler, or teen reveals that we are weak and inadequate and aren’t up to the task of parenting. In ourselves, we don’t have what it takes. Being moms and dads is hard because we live in a world that’s broken by sin, and we are broken by sin.

Having a baby exposes us to the God-wrought miracle of life and our deep need for Him. Feeling inadequate to the task of raising that baby helps us see Him as Father—maybe for the first time. Without His forgiveness and love, we’ll never have what it takes to love, serve, and lead our children.

True help for the bone-wearying work of parenting comes from older parents teaching younger parents what they learned from the generation before them: mother to daughter, uncle to nephew, neighbor to neighbor. Common grace takes the form of new fathers and mothers receiving help and learning from those who’ve done it before. Even more remarkable is the special grace that flows when weak, exhausted parents realize that they’re sinners in need of salvation.

Now that I’m the older mom, I look for opportunities to encourage young moms around me as they embark on motherhood. I tell them it will be the hardest, most rewarding work they’ll ever do. And I encourage them to ask for help along the way. Older parents, we should spend ourselves for the sake of those coming after us. The stress is real, the challenges are hard, and God’s grace is sufficient. This is rich territory for evangelism and sanctification. Let’s not squander it.