It’s that time of year again

It’s January 2024, which means it’s important to never have an unpublished thought. In that light, I’ve put together a handy guide to how to best leverage your New Year’s resolutions for maximum audience engagement and social media impact.

LinkedIn: Share a video of a panther rescuing a small toddler off the side of a cliff face in Tibet, and then use 500 words with a dozen bullet-points equating it to how you’re (pick one) a) going to stop drinking, b) really looking forward to growing your side business renting Airbnb units, or c) #opentowork.

Prosperous Christian College LinkedIn: We’re resolving to build 74 new buildings in 2024 thanks to the generous billion-dollar gift we received from (insert Big Pharma)! Starting in 2024 every incoming freshman will now receive your very own brand new house, and each of your parents will receive faculty positions! #lifeat[redacted]u!

Struggling Christian College LinkedIn: Just a quick heads-up to let you know that we’ve cut our English, history, art, theatre, biology, and chemistry programs. But click here for our food court and wellness center hours for the new year!

Millennial LinkedIn: It’s OK if your business idea is garbage! It’s OK if your side hustles didn’t work! It’s OK if everything you’ve touched has fallen to pieces! There’s a market for that!

GenX LinkedIn: Click here to register for my free webinar on AI and its implications for your home copywriting business in 2024!

Pastoral LinkedIn: Click here for my new Substack!

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Pastoral Twitter: Share a picture of a piece of paper with words on it (quiet … it’s a publishing contract!) with a caption about how you’re resolving to write more in 2024 and are “so humbled” (read: proud) to announce a contract for your groundbreaking new volume on (pick one) a) advent, b) rest, c) finding margin, or d) mental health for pastors.

Youth-Pastor Pastoral Twitter: I resolve to not spend 40 hours a week reading and reposting football recruiting blogs about the college I just graduated from.

Derek Webb Twitter: Clink this link to purchase the Adams-Apple-Minimizing Snappy Little A-Line number I wore to the Dove Awards last year and to purchase my brand-new concept LP, which is all about the thing (Christianity) I insist I’m done with!

Michael Gungor Twitter: What if the whole concept of “2024” is just a myth constructed by evangelicals to make us feel bad about ourselves? Also, click here to purchase my brand-new concept LP which is all about the thing (Christianity) I insist I’m done with!

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Pastoral Instagram: I’m going to take more time for “intentional rest” in 2024, and in the meantime enjoy this assortment of great-looking vacation pics of my astonishingly photogenic family and feel envious.

Megachurch Pastoral Instagram: I’m going to focus more on my personal health goals in 2024 and please enjoy this video of me bench-pressing a Buick.

Nerd Pastoral Instagram: Have a look at what I’m reading in 2024 and here’s a link to 5,000 words on what I read last year.

Gen-X Pastoral Instagram: I want to share a link to my new podcast on (if Presbyterian) bourbon or (if Baptist) coffee.

Boomer Pastoral Instagram: Let me tell you about this Winston Churchill biography I just read and its implications for your small group ministry in 2024.

Millennial Pastoral Instagram: It’s OK to not feel OK about 2024.

Pastoral Instagram if You’re Douglas Wilson: (video of something being lit on fire and something controversial being said about 2024)

Reformed Nerd Pastoral Instagram: (response to above)

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Reformed Pastoral TikTok: We’re pregnant!